The Northern Spy: there's no truth to the rumor that ....
TweetFollow Us on Twitter

The Northern Spy: there's no truth to the rumor that ....

By Rick Sutcliffe

There is no truth to the rumour

° That Apple has become a third bidder in the suddenly interesting battle to gain control of Dell. Michael Dell himself began the process by trying to take the company private under his own personal leadership, but has hit a roadblock in the form of a second suitor who would likely show him the door. Apple was said to be ready to close the company, wind up its affairs, turn the assets into cash, and give the money back to the shareholders.

That Apple intends to buy Sony, Sharp, Panasonic, and/or RIM out of petty cash. A far better bet is the acquisition of IBM. After all, Apple makes money from computing devices and software, whereas IBM makes most of its money showing business people how to use them. "No one needs to explain our devices to seven-year-olds, but there are people out there who need a helping hand," said Apple's manager of acquisitions. "A services company such as IBM has become would be a terrific fit."

That Apple instead intends to purchase Cupertino. "After all," declared an unnamed source, "it would speed up project approvals. Besides, we're not sure there's room here for anyone else once we finish building out. 'Course, once we launch our new space station HQ into orbit, we could rebuild on the same property."

That not only is skeuomorphism out now that Jony Ives is in charge of design, but Apple has decided to make their mass market lines consumer upgradable and repairable. "No more having to be a NASA technician to open up an iMac or iPad/Pod/Phone," Ives was rumoured to have thought, "Customers will be able to increase memory, replace hard drives, and do routine upgrades themselves without any special tools. It's long past time to quit modelling computers on quaint out-of date concepts like toasters, stereos, and epoxy-sealed automobile controllers. We need to open up our boxes to the ordinary Josephine. True, they will void the warranty when they do, but who cares about that kind of thing these days -- except in Europe and Australia?"

That Hillary Rodham Clinton has left politics permanently because she is on tap by Apple's board to understudy Tim Cook as CEO, with a view to replacing him in a few years. Apparently she feels it would be a better, more satisfying, and far more secure job than being President of the Excited States. "The finances are in better shape than Aunt Samantha's, the products are first rate, the prospects for growth excellent, and the compensation package can't be beat", she is claimed to have told the interview committee.

That the next big thing from Apple is a wearable computer, not in the form of a watch but rather as underwear that monitors the owner's vital signs, stress levels, and general health. The distributed, multi-threaded device could reportedly call the owners' physician, psychiatrist, ambulance service, fire department (liar = pants on fire), or funeral home, as appropriate, on its built-in cell phone. Allegedly, the secret Cupertino lab that developed the prototype was told in a short, scant brief penned by iCook himself that "smarty pants" and "iBra liner" wouldn't be taken seriously, and ordered to "return to the old drawing board" However, the general project is far from dead, and Apple is said to be in marketing talks with JC Penney for a 2014 takeoff. Nor would he allow the hardware to be incorporated into a toilet seat. "It's undignified," was his reply, in sitting on the idea.

(On the other hand, Cook has indeed killed the projects to incorporate iPod petas in the settings of rings and the fillings of molars. In respect of the former, the deal with Cracker Jack for an iCoder Ring fell through, while the latter had already chewed up too much money, incorporated too few bytes of memory, and the dentist co-developer was demanding his private company be amalgamated with Apple. (Source: Dr. Dobbs.) But on the gripping hand, Apple has apparently decided to re-introduce Classic in ML 10.8.4.

"We made a little boo-boo when we killed it off," Cook said to an audience of the ACU (Association of California Undertakers). "After all there are System nine applications with more functionality than some of the OS X ones that have come out since. We feel we owe our developers this." He went on to say that Modula-2 Release 10 was under consideration as the replacement language to Objective C for system 11, currently code named "Cool Cat".)

That Apple's release of a wicked fast Final Cut Pro not only anticipates the April introduction of the new, smaller, faster, Mac Pro (starts at 16G memory, 3T fusion drive, 3GHz 16-core processor, dual lightning, 10GHz net and USB-3 plus optional expansion chassis, the CPU in a box the size of a MacMini), but also presages Apple's soon-to-be-announced merger with Disney and at least one other major studio. Oh, yes, and let's not forget the pending takeover of a major telco, a cable provider, and a satellite launch facility. There's no point in releasing the smart, ultra-high resolution TV due to be launched next fall unless both content and the infrastructure to deliver same are sewn up well in advance.

Tat Samsung executives are desperate to win a lawsuit against Apple because the loss of screen contracts with Cupertino has so seriously damaged the bottom line that the company is now in deep trouble and considering exiting the TV business. "Once Apple is in that one, we're out. Let them have a flailing market. We make too much money copying their smartphones to be bothered with TV any more," said the Spy's source. "'Course, we'll sue them on the way out the door. General principles, you know."

That IBM, regretting its own corporate exit from the PC business has decided to produce a tablet. It is said to come with an optional chicklet-style keyboard, and the Spy has it on reliable authority that the device will be called the called the PC Jr.

That Texas Instruments likewise will re-enter the computing market, also with a tablet. It comes with only four apps and has no Internet connectivity but is aggressively priced at $49. "We lost a few billion when we tried this once before," opined the CTIO, "but things will be different this time. You'll see".

That Canadian Pacific is in takeover talks with Rogers. Said wunderkind $49M (first six months) CEO Hunter Harrison, "the company made a boo-boo when we sold off our communications business a few years back, so we've decided to buy it back for a hundred times as much."

That ICANN plans to approve hundreds of new TLDs (top level domains) including .irrelevant, .useless, and .pointless. Said a spokesperson who cannot be named, "these TLDs will aggregate all the websites whose content no one ever reads. We'll need at least three to begin with, but more are under consideration."

That CIRA (Canadian Internet Registration Authority) will hold its next "meet and greet networking event" in the Aldergrove OAP (Old Age Pensioners) Hall. Said a spokesperson for the board: "It's time to escape the downtown luxury hotel mindset and meet real people in the context of a real community. After all, developers, hosts, and domain sellers aren't our real clients. Mom and Pop are."

That Apple is in negotiations to purchase Cyprus out of bankruptcy using money already on deposit in that country's banks.

That simultaneous April first sessions of the Parliaments of Great Britain and Canada, the French National Assembly, and the Congress of the Excited States will consider a joint bill its backers are confident of passing. The new legislation will repeal the law of averages and outlaw the bell curve in all four jurisdictions.

Said the Prime Minister of Canada, "Enough of mediocrity, Mr. Speaker. We shall have done with the melting pot, where only sludge ever rises to the top. It's time people thought different, acted different, were different; time to allow, nay to encourage, people to excel or fail without fear of being cut down, levelled, confiscated, and otherwise bullied and made fun of for creating differential outcomes for themselves, whether low or high. We will celebrate both achievement and failure, not merely mediocrity. My government is determined to put an end to both successophobia and failophobia forever and to enshrine differentialism as a permanent fixture in our bill of rights." On the other hand, Socialist parties in three countries and American Democrats were said to be appalled and vowed to oppose the bills. "All citizens are the same, and have a right to uniform mediocrity, identical outcomes," replied one French opposition party member. "Maintenant donc ces trois choses demeurent: la liberté, l'égalité, et la fraternité, mais la plus grande de ces choses c'est l'égalité." Later she was reported to have added, "Have they no bread? Let them use Macs."

--The Northern Spy

Opinions expressed here are entirely the author's own, and no endorsement is implied by any community or organization to which he may be attached. Rick Sutcliffe, (a.k.a. The Northern Spy) is professor of Computing Science and Mathematics at Canada's Trinity Western University. He has been involved as a member or consultant with the boards of several organizations, including in the corporate sector, and participated in industry standards at the national and international level. He is a long time technology author and has written two textbooks and six+ novels, one named best ePublished SF novel for 2003. His columns have appeared in numerous magazines and newspapers (paper and online), and he's a regular speaker at churches, schools, academic meetings, and conferences. He and his wife Joyce have lived in the Aldergrove/Bradner area of BC since 1972.

Want to discuss this and other Northern Spy columns? Surf on over to ArjayBB.com. Participate and you could win free web hosting from the WebNameHost.net subsidiary of Arjay Web Services. Rick Sutcliffe's fiction can be purchased in various eBook formats from Fictionwise, and in dead tree form from Amazon's Booksurge.

URLs for Rick Sutcliffe's Arjay Enterprises:
The Northern Spy Home Page: http://www.TheNorthernSpy.com
opundo : http://opundo.com
Sheaves Christian Resources : http://sheaves.org
WebNameHost : http://www.WebNameHost.net
WebNameSource : http://www.WebNameSource.net
nameman : http://nameman.net
General URLs for Rick Sutcliffe's Books:
Author Site: http://www.arjay.ca
Publisher's Site: http://www.writers-exchange.com/Richard-Sutcliffe.html

URLs for items mentioned in this column
Modula-2 R10--see the link at: http://www.modula-2.com/

 

Community Search:
MacTech Search:

Software Updates via MacUpdate

CrossOver 14.1.6 - Run Windows apps on y...
CrossOver can get your Windows productivity applications and PC games up and running on your Mac quickly and easily. CrossOver runs the Windows software that you need on Mac at home, in the office,... Read more
Printopia 2.1.14 - Share Mac printers wi...
Run Printopia on your Mac to share its printers to any capable iPhone, iPad or iPod Touch. Printopia will also add virtual printers, allowing you to save print-outs to your Mac and send to apps.... Read more
Google Drive 1.24 - File backup and shar...
Google Drive is a place where you can create, share, collaborate, and keep all of your stuff. Whether you're working with a friend on a joint research project, planning a wedding with your fiancé, or... Read more
Chromium 45.0.2454.85 - Fast and stable...
Chromium is an open-source browser project that aims to build a safer, faster, and more stable way for all Internet users to experience the web. Version 45.0.2454.85: Note: Does not contain the "... Read more
OmniFocus 2.2.5 - GTD task manager with...
OmniFocus helps you manage your tasks the way that you want, freeing you to focus your attention on the things that matter to you most. Capturing tasks and ideas is always a keyboard shortcut away in... Read more
iFFmpeg 5.7.1 - Convert multimedia files...
iFFmpeg is a graphical front-end for FFmpeg, a command-line tool used to convert multimedia files between formats. The command line instructions can be very hard to master/understand, so iFFmpeg does... Read more
VOX 2.6 - Music player that supports man...
VOX is a beautiful music player that supports many filetypes. The beauty is in its simplicity, yet behind the minimal exterior lies a powerful music player with a ton of features and support for all... Read more
Box Sync 4.0.6567 - Online synchronizati...
Box Sync gives you a hard-drive in the Cloud for online storage. Note: You must first sign up to use Box. What if the files you need are on your laptop -- but you're on the road with your iPhone? No... Read more
Carbon Copy Cloner 4.1.4 - Easy-to-use b...
Carbon Copy Cloner backups are better than ordinary backups. Suppose the unthinkable happens while you're under deadline to finish a project: your Mac is unresponsive and all you hear is an ominous,... Read more
OmniGraffle Pro 6.3.1 - Create diagrams,...
OmniGraffle Pro helps you draw beautiful diagrams, family trees, flow charts, org charts, layouts, and (mathematically speaking) any other directed or non-directed graphs. We've had people use... Read more

Rock(s) Rider - HD Edition (Games)
Rock(s) Rider - HD Edition 1.0.0 Device: iOS Universal Category: Games Price: $2.99, Version: 1.0.0 (iTunes) Description: *** PLEASE NOTE: Compatible with iPhone 4s, iPad 2, iPad mini, iPod touch (5th generation) or newer *** Do you... | Read more »
Rebuild 3: Gangs of Deadsville (Games)
Rebuild 3: Gangs of Deadsville 1.0 Device: iOS Universal Category: Games Price: $4.99, Version: 1.0 (iTunes) Description: It's been a few years since the zombpocalypse turned the world's cities into graveyards and sent the few... | Read more »
Power Ping Pong (Games)
Power Ping Pong 1.0 Device: iOS Universal Category: Games Price: $4.99, Version: 1.0 (iTunes) Description: Do you wield your bat with zen-like focus or do your balls of fury give you a killer spin? Table tennis goes mobile with a... | Read more »
Z.O.N.A Project X (Games)
Z.O.N.A Project X 1.00 Device: iOS Universal Category: Games Price: $1.99, Version: 1.00 (iTunes) Description: Z.O.N.A Project X - shooter in the post-apocalyptic world. | Read more »
Trick Shot (Games)
Trick Shot 1.0.6 Device: iOS Universal Category: Games Price: $1.99, Version: 1.0.6 (iTunes) Description: A game where all you have to do is throw a ball into a box, simple? Trick Shot is a minimalist physics puzzler with 90 levels... | Read more »
Goat Simulator MMO Simulator (Games)
Goat Simulator MMO Simulator 1.0 Device: iOS Universal Category: Games Price: $4.99, Version: 1.0 (iTunes) Description: ** IMPORTANT - SUPPORTED DEVICESiPhone 4S, iPad 2, iPod Touch 5 or better.** Coffee Stain Studios brings next-gen... | Read more »
Worms™ 4 (Games)
Worms™ 4 1.02 Device: iOS Universal Category: Games Price: $4.99, Version: 1.02 (iTunes) Description: The latest instalment in the worldwide mega hit franchise! Coming soon to iPhone, iPad and iPod touch. When the guys and girls at... | Read more »
The Deer God (Games)
The Deer God 1.0 Device: iOS Universal Category: Games Price: $6.99, Version: 1.0 (iTunes) Description: 30% off launch sale!!! “It can be a struggle, but it's all worth it when you're shooting fire out your antlers.” Kotaku “The... | Read more »
AppSpy's Patreon campaign kicks off
Occasionally you'll see us use AppSpy's videos here on 148Apps to support an article we've written. That's because we're part of Steel Media, and AppSpy is Steel's video arm, so we're all part of one happy family. [Read more] | Read more »
We're Sorry to Report that Moonrise...
Moonrise is a very promising-looking, Pokemon-esque monster collecting and battling game that we were really looking forward to reviewing, but unfortunately it looks like that's never going to happen. [Read more] | Read more »

Price Scanner via MacPrices.net

Will You Buy An iPad Pro? – The ‘Book Mystiqu...
It looks like we may not have to wait much longer to see what finally materializes as a new, larger-panel iPad (Pro/Plus?) Usually reliable Apple product prognosticator KGI Securities analyst Ming-... Read more
eFileCabinet Announces SMB Document Managemen...
Electronic document management (EDM) eFileCabinet, Inc., a hosted solutions provider for small to medium businesses, has announced that its SecureDrawer and eFileCabinet Online services will be... Read more
WaterField Designs Unveils American-Made, All...
San Francisco’s WaterField Designs today unveiled their all-leather Cozmo 2.0 — an elegant attach laptop bag with carefully-designed features to suit any business environment. The Cozmo 2.0 is... Read more
Apple’s 2015 Back to School promotion: Free B...
Purchase a new Mac or iPad at The Apple Store for Education and take up to $300 off MSRP. All teachers, students, and staff of any educational institution qualify for the discount. Shipping is free,... Read more
128GB MacBook Airs on sale for $100 off MSRP,...
B&H Photo has 11″ & 13″ MacBook Airs with 128GB SSDs on sale for $100 off MSRP. Shipping is free, and B&H charges NY sales tax only: - 11″ 1.6GHz/128GB MacBook Air: $799.99, $100 off MSRP... Read more
13-inch 2.5GHz MacBook Pro (refurbished) avai...
The Apple Store has Apple Certified Refurbished 13″ 2.5GHz MacBook Pros available for $829, or $270 off the cost of new models. Apple’s one-year warranty is standard, and shipping is free: - 13″ 2.... Read more
27-inch 3.2GHz iMac on sale for $1679, save $...
B&H Photo has the 27″ 3.2GHz iMac on sale for $1679.99 including free shipping plus NY sales tax only. Their price is $120 off MSRP. Read more
Apple and Cisco Partner to Deliver Fast-Lane...
Apple and Cisco have announced a partnership to create a “fast lane” for iOS business users by optimizing Cisco networks for iOS devices and apps. The alliance integrates iPhone with Cisco enterprise... Read more
Apple offering refurbished 2015 13-inch Retin...
The Apple Store is offering Apple Certified Refurbished 2015 13″ Retina MacBook Pros for up to $270 (15%) off the cost of new models. An Apple one-year warranty is included with each model, and... Read more
Apple refurbished 2015 MacBook Airs available...
The Apple Store has Apple Certified Refurbished 2015 11″ and 13″ MacBook Airs (the latest models), available for up to $180 off the cost of new models. An Apple one-year warranty is included with... Read more

Jobs Board

*Apple* Desktop Analyst - KDS Staffing (Unit...
…field and consistent professional recruiting achievement. Job Description: Title: Apple Desktop AnalystPosition Type: Full-time PermanentLocation: White Plains, NYHot Read more
Simply Mac *Apple* Specialist- Repair Techn...
Simply Mac is the greatest premier retailer of Apple products expertise in North America. We're looking for dedicated individuals to provide personalized service and Read more
Simply Mac *Apple* Specialist- Service Repa...
Simply Mac is the greatest premier retailer of Apple products expertise in North America. We're looking for dedicated individuals to provide personalized service and Read more
*Apple* Desktop Analyst - KDS Staffing (Unit...
…field and consistent professional recruiting achievement. Job Description: Title: Apple Desktop AnalystPosition Type: Full-time PermanentLocation: White Plains, NYHot Read more
Simply Mac- *Apple* Specialist- Store Manag...
Simply Mac is the largest premier retailer for Apple products and solutions. We're looking for dedicated individuals with a passion to simplify and enhance the Read more
All contents are Copyright 1984-2011 by Xplain Corporation. All rights reserved. Theme designed by Icreon.