The Northern Spy: there's no truth to the rumor that ....
TweetFollow Us on Twitter

The Northern Spy: there's no truth to the rumor that ....

By Rick Sutcliffe

There is no truth to the rumour

° That Apple has become a third bidder in the suddenly interesting battle to gain control of Dell. Michael Dell himself began the process by trying to take the company private under his own personal leadership, but has hit a roadblock in the form of a second suitor who would likely show him the door. Apple was said to be ready to close the company, wind up its affairs, turn the assets into cash, and give the money back to the shareholders.

That Apple intends to buy Sony, Sharp, Panasonic, and/or RIM out of petty cash. A far better bet is the acquisition of IBM. After all, Apple makes money from computing devices and software, whereas IBM makes most of its money showing business people how to use them. "No one needs to explain our devices to seven-year-olds, but there are people out there who need a helping hand," said Apple's manager of acquisitions. "A services company such as IBM has become would be a terrific fit."

That Apple instead intends to purchase Cupertino. "After all," declared an unnamed source, "it would speed up project approvals. Besides, we're not sure there's room here for anyone else once we finish building out. 'Course, once we launch our new space station HQ into orbit, we could rebuild on the same property."

That not only is skeuomorphism out now that Jony Ives is in charge of design, but Apple has decided to make their mass market lines consumer upgradable and repairable. "No more having to be a NASA technician to open up an iMac or iPad/Pod/Phone," Ives was rumoured to have thought, "Customers will be able to increase memory, replace hard drives, and do routine upgrades themselves without any special tools. It's long past time to quit modelling computers on quaint out-of date concepts like toasters, stereos, and epoxy-sealed automobile controllers. We need to open up our boxes to the ordinary Josephine. True, they will void the warranty when they do, but who cares about that kind of thing these days -- except in Europe and Australia?"

That Hillary Rodham Clinton has left politics permanently because she is on tap by Apple's board to understudy Tim Cook as CEO, with a view to replacing him in a few years. Apparently she feels it would be a better, more satisfying, and far more secure job than being President of the Excited States. "The finances are in better shape than Aunt Samantha's, the products are first rate, the prospects for growth excellent, and the compensation package can't be beat", she is claimed to have told the interview committee.

That the next big thing from Apple is a wearable computer, not in the form of a watch but rather as underwear that monitors the owner's vital signs, stress levels, and general health. The distributed, multi-threaded device could reportedly call the owners' physician, psychiatrist, ambulance service, fire department (liar = pants on fire), or funeral home, as appropriate, on its built-in cell phone. Allegedly, the secret Cupertino lab that developed the prototype was told in a short, scant brief penned by iCook himself that "smarty pants" and "iBra liner" wouldn't be taken seriously, and ordered to "return to the old drawing board" However, the general project is far from dead, and Apple is said to be in marketing talks with JC Penney for a 2014 takeoff. Nor would he allow the hardware to be incorporated into a toilet seat. "It's undignified," was his reply, in sitting on the idea.

(On the other hand, Cook has indeed killed the projects to incorporate iPod petas in the settings of rings and the fillings of molars. In respect of the former, the deal with Cracker Jack for an iCoder Ring fell through, while the latter had already chewed up too much money, incorporated too few bytes of memory, and the dentist co-developer was demanding his private company be amalgamated with Apple. (Source: Dr. Dobbs.) But on the gripping hand, Apple has apparently decided to re-introduce Classic in ML 10.8.4.

"We made a little boo-boo when we killed it off," Cook said to an audience of the ACU (Association of California Undertakers). "After all there are System nine applications with more functionality than some of the OS X ones that have come out since. We feel we owe our developers this." He went on to say that Modula-2 Release 10 was under consideration as the replacement language to Objective C for system 11, currently code named "Cool Cat".)

That Apple's release of a wicked fast Final Cut Pro not only anticipates the April introduction of the new, smaller, faster, Mac Pro (starts at 16G memory, 3T fusion drive, 3GHz 16-core processor, dual lightning, 10GHz net and USB-3 plus optional expansion chassis, the CPU in a box the size of a MacMini), but also presages Apple's soon-to-be-announced merger with Disney and at least one other major studio. Oh, yes, and let's not forget the pending takeover of a major telco, a cable provider, and a satellite launch facility. There's no point in releasing the smart, ultra-high resolution TV due to be launched next fall unless both content and the infrastructure to deliver same are sewn up well in advance.

Tat Samsung executives are desperate to win a lawsuit against Apple because the loss of screen contracts with Cupertino has so seriously damaged the bottom line that the company is now in deep trouble and considering exiting the TV business. "Once Apple is in that one, we're out. Let them have a flailing market. We make too much money copying their smartphones to be bothered with TV any more," said the Spy's source. "'Course, we'll sue them on the way out the door. General principles, you know."

That IBM, regretting its own corporate exit from the PC business has decided to produce a tablet. It is said to come with an optional chicklet-style keyboard, and the Spy has it on reliable authority that the device will be called the called the PC Jr.

That Texas Instruments likewise will re-enter the computing market, also with a tablet. It comes with only four apps and has no Internet connectivity but is aggressively priced at $49. "We lost a few billion when we tried this once before," opined the CTIO, "but things will be different this time. You'll see".

That Canadian Pacific is in takeover talks with Rogers. Said wunderkind $49M (first six months) CEO Hunter Harrison, "the company made a boo-boo when we sold off our communications business a few years back, so we've decided to buy it back for a hundred times as much."

That ICANN plans to approve hundreds of new TLDs (top level domains) including .irrelevant, .useless, and .pointless. Said a spokesperson who cannot be named, "these TLDs will aggregate all the websites whose content no one ever reads. We'll need at least three to begin with, but more are under consideration."

That CIRA (Canadian Internet Registration Authority) will hold its next "meet and greet networking event" in the Aldergrove OAP (Old Age Pensioners) Hall. Said a spokesperson for the board: "It's time to escape the downtown luxury hotel mindset and meet real people in the context of a real community. After all, developers, hosts, and domain sellers aren't our real clients. Mom and Pop are."

That Apple is in negotiations to purchase Cyprus out of bankruptcy using money already on deposit in that country's banks.

That simultaneous April first sessions of the Parliaments of Great Britain and Canada, the French National Assembly, and the Congress of the Excited States will consider a joint bill its backers are confident of passing. The new legislation will repeal the law of averages and outlaw the bell curve in all four jurisdictions.

Said the Prime Minister of Canada, "Enough of mediocrity, Mr. Speaker. We shall have done with the melting pot, where only sludge ever rises to the top. It's time people thought different, acted different, were different; time to allow, nay to encourage, people to excel or fail without fear of being cut down, levelled, confiscated, and otherwise bullied and made fun of for creating differential outcomes for themselves, whether low or high. We will celebrate both achievement and failure, not merely mediocrity. My government is determined to put an end to both successophobia and failophobia forever and to enshrine differentialism as a permanent fixture in our bill of rights." On the other hand, Socialist parties in three countries and American Democrats were said to be appalled and vowed to oppose the bills. "All citizens are the same, and have a right to uniform mediocrity, identical outcomes," replied one French opposition party member. "Maintenant donc ces trois choses demeurent: la liberté, l'égalité, et la fraternité, mais la plus grande de ces choses c'est l'égalité." Later she was reported to have added, "Have they no bread? Let them use Macs."

--The Northern Spy

Opinions expressed here are entirely the author's own, and no endorsement is implied by any community or organization to which he may be attached. Rick Sutcliffe, (a.k.a. The Northern Spy) is professor of Computing Science and Mathematics at Canada's Trinity Western University. He has been involved as a member or consultant with the boards of several organizations, including in the corporate sector, and participated in industry standards at the national and international level. He is a long time technology author and has written two textbooks and six+ novels, one named best ePublished SF novel for 2003. His columns have appeared in numerous magazines and newspapers (paper and online), and he's a regular speaker at churches, schools, academic meetings, and conferences. He and his wife Joyce have lived in the Aldergrove/Bradner area of BC since 1972.

Want to discuss this and other Northern Spy columns? Surf on over to Participate and you could win free web hosting from the subsidiary of Arjay Web Services. Rick Sutcliffe's fiction can be purchased in various eBook formats from Fictionwise, and in dead tree form from Amazon's Booksurge.

URLs for Rick Sutcliffe's Arjay Enterprises:
The Northern Spy Home Page:
opundo :
Sheaves Christian Resources :
WebNameHost :
WebNameSource :
nameman :
General URLs for Rick Sutcliffe's Books:
Author Site:
Publisher's Site:

URLs for items mentioned in this column
Modula-2 R10--see the link at:


Community Search:
MacTech Search:

Software Updates via MacUpdate

The best games like Animal Crossing on m...
Animal Crossing amiibo Festival is out right now for the Wii U, reminding us of just how much fun that world can be. Or at least to go back and check in on our villages once in a while. [Read more] | Read more »
Between 2 Taps - Tap for Tap interview M...
Hello, and welcome back to Between 2 Taps, Tap for Tap’s Indie Dev interview series. [Read more] | Read more »
Facility 47 (Games)
Facility 47 1.0.1 Device: iOS Universal Category: Games Price: $3.99, Version: 1.0.1 (iTunes) Description: You wake up alone and freezing in an icy cell. You try the cell door but it’s locked, it seems that you are stuck with no... | Read more »
The best Photoshop alternative on iPad
Instagram and Lightroom are great and all, but sometimes people need to get extra creative with their image editing.Like, Photoshop creative. If you're one of these people, take a look at our pick for the best mobile Photoshop experience on iPad... | Read more »
The Walking Dead: No Man’s Land guide -...
A new update for The Walking Dead: No Man’s Land was released last week, making it the perfect time for you to head back to your base and take out some walkers. Here’s the lowdown on what’s new to the game, and how to take advantage. [Read more] | Read more »
Goat Rider guide - Tips and tricks to st...
We've all been there. One second, we're riding high on a crazed goat, and the next, we've been tossed off it like someone who's no good at goat ridin'. [Read more] | Read more »
Real Boxing 2 CREED: How to become a gre...
Just in time for Rocky fans who can’t wait to see CREED, the latest movie, we have the official tie-in game,Real Boxing 2 CREED. It builds on the success of its predecessor and there’s lots to take in so we at 148apps thought we’d run you through... | Read more »
CoinOp Heroes 2 guide - How to build an...
CoinOp Heroes 2 justlaunched and, like all clickers, it's dangerously addictive stuff. You have to furiously tap your screen to defeat wave after wave of foes and earn an insane amount of cash to spend on character upgrades and an army of minions... | Read more »
Dr. Panda Firefighters (Education)
Dr. Panda Firefighters 1.0.1 Device: iOS Universal Category: Education Price: $2.99, Version: 1.0.1 (iTunes) Description: FIGHT FIRES AND SAVE THE DAY!Work together with Dr. Panda and his firefighting team to rescue his trapped... | Read more »
Puddle + (Games)
Puddle + 1.0 Device: iOS iPhone Category: Games Price: $2.99, Version: 1.0 (iTunes) Description: Puddle is back in a new "+" edition featuring enhanced graphics, new videos and Apple TV support ! No IAP and No Ads. Dive into Puddle... | Read more »

Price Scanner via

Save $30-$40 on new Apple TVs after rebate
Adorama has new Apple TVs on sale for up to $40 off MSRP after mail-in rebate, good through December 15th. Shipping is free, and Adorama charges NY & NJ sales tax only: - 32GB Apple TV: $119.99... Read more
13-Inch Haswell MacBook Air At Two Years – Th...
The 13-inch mid-2013 “Haswell” MacBook Air I ordered in Apple’s November 2013 Black Friday sale was my first new Mac in four and a half years — the longest interval I’ve gone between system upgrades... Read more
Target Black Friday Early Access deals: $100...
Target is offering early access to their Black Friday deals on Apple products on their online store for today, the 25th, only. Choose free shipping or free local store pickup (if available): - Apple... Read more
BlackBerry Q3 Mobility Index Report Finds iOS...
BlackBerry has announced results of its thirteenth Good Mobility Index Report, showing that organizations are increasingly building custom secure apps. Among Good Powered by BlackBerry (formerly Good... Read more
Wednesday roundup of early Black Friday Mac s...
Save up to $500 on a new Mac with these early Black Friday deals from Apple resellers, currently the lowest prices available for these models: (1) B&H Photo has all new Macs on sale for up to $... Read more
iPod nano on sale for $119, $30 off MSRP
Walmart has the 16GB iPod nano (various colors) on sale for $119.20 on their online store for a limited time. That’s $30 off MSRP. Choose free shipping or free local store pickup (if available). Sale... Read more
Adorama Black Friday deals: Up to $400 off Ma...
Adorama has released their Black Friday deals for 2015. Save up to $400 on MacBook Pros, $200 on MacBooks and MacBook Airs, and $270 on iMacs. Use code RYBFDEAL during checkout to see these prices.... Read more
B&H Photo Deals: $200 off 12-inch 1.2GHz...
In addition to the B&H Photo Black Friday week sales we posted yesterday, B&H has lowered their price on two products to $200 off MSRP: - 12″ 1.2GHz Gray Retina MacBook: $1399 save $200 - 13... Read more
Best Buy Early Access: Today only, Up to $125...
Best Buy has iPad Air 2s on sale for up to $125 off MSRP and Apple Watch models on sale on their online store for up to $100 off MSRP with special codes through midnight CT tonight. Choose free... Read more
UPPERCASE DESIGNS Premium Ultra Thin Keyboard...
UPPERCASE Designs today announced its new Premium Ultra Thin Keyboard Protector and its Palm Rest Protector Set for the 12-inch MacBook. The accessories provide durable protection for the 12-inch... Read more

Jobs Board

Hardware Systems Integration Engineer - *App...
# Hardware Systems Integration Engineer - Apple Watch Job Number: 39380139 Santa Clara Valley, Califo ia, United States Posted: Apr. 23, 2015 Weekly Hours: **Job Read more
Sr. Technical/Project Manager, *Apple* Educ...
# Sr. Technical/Project Manager, Apple Education Job Number: 36588557 New York City, New York, United States Posted: Jul. 30, 2015 Weekly Hours: 40.00 **Job Summary** Read more
*Apple* Retail - Multiple Positions (US) - A...
Sales Specialist - Retail Customer Service and Sales Transform Apple Store visitors into loyal Apple customers. When customers enter the store, you're also the Read more
Merchant Operations Manager: *Apple* Pay -...
Changing the world is all in a day's work at Apple . If you love innovation, here's your chance to make a career of it. You'll work hard. But the job comes with more than Read more
*Apple* Pay QA Manager - Apple Inc. (United...
Changing the world is all in a day's work at Apple . If you love innovation, here's your chance to make a career of it. You'll work hard. But the job comes with more than Read more
All contents are Copyright 1984-2011 by Xplain Corporation. All rights reserved. Theme designed by Icreon.