Swaine Manor: Bludger and Larrikin Attend a Press Conference
Volume Number: 27
Issue Number: 01
Column Tag: Swaine Manor
Swaine Manor: Bludger and Larrikin Attend a Press Conference
...and say all the snarky things you'd say if you were there
by Michael Swaine
My friends Tom Bludger and Art Larrikin claim that they recently attended a press conference on Microsoft's presence at the upcoming Consumer Electronics Show, and to prove it they sent me this annotated transcript of the highlights of the conference. By "highlights" I see that they mean their own running commentary on the presentation. Frankly, I doubt that the whole thing ever happened. Nevertheless...
...we join the press conference already in progress. And already in italics.
Microsoft has a long history in the tablet computing market...
Bludger: Wow, are you really sure you want to call attention to that history, Microsoft?
Larrikin: Give 'em credit for perseverance: they're going to keep trying until somebody buys one.
A decade before the Apple iPad, Microsoft founder and former chief executive Bill Gates introduced the concept of a tablet computer, offering all the capabilities of a computer in a new form factor.
Bludger: So I guess I just imagined that Go Corporation introduced the tablet computer a decade before that.
Larrikin: That's why we go to press conferences. You learn something every time.
Bludger: So true. Thanks, Microsoft, for explaining to us who Bill Gates is.
Next month at CES, Microsoft will showcase a number of slate devices from companies like Dell and Samsung that will give Apple's iPad some competition.
Larrikin: I love a good fantasy.
Bludger: Wait, are they tablets or slates? I don't know whether my finger is supposed to be a pencil or a piece of chalk.
Larrikin: If they'd let us bring alcohol into these events we could take a drink every time they mention Apple.
Microsoft's CEO Steve Ballmer will take the stage to present one or more of these devices.
Bludger: Prepare to be screamed at.
The Samsung slate will be similar to the Apple iPad in size and shape, but not as thin...
Larrikin: And not as pretty.
Bludger: Well, they're clearly addressing a niche that Apple has overlooked.
Larrikin: People who love fat, ugly devices.
Bludger: I know I'm going to run right out and buy one.
Another innovation is the slick keyboard that slides out of the device when it is in landscape orientation.
Bludger: Great, because moving parts that can get jammed or broken are soooo 2011.
Larrikin: Wait, why is the keyboard "slick?" Won't that make it hard to type on?
Bludger: I think it must be greased to slide faster.
The slate will have two operating environments: one for landscape orientation and one for portrait orientation.
Larrikin: When will this second-class status end? I tell you a slate has the same rights regardless of its orientation.
Bludger: No, listen, I think this means you can turn Windows off just by turning the device on its side.
Larrikin: Big deal. I can do that with my Fujitsu laptop if I flip it hard enough.
Microsoft is confident that there is a large market of business people who want to use slate devices to run Word, Excel, and PowerPoint.
Larrikin: What incredibly innovative thinking.
Bludger: Microsoft is confident that there is a large market of people whose employers buy their computers and software for them and who will use whatever they are paid to use.
Larrikin: And the Gartner Group has the numbers to prove it.
Microsoft envisions a large market of applications written for these slates. Unlike Apple, Microsoft will not launch an app store to sell these applications, but will highlight them in a search interface on the slate.
Bludger: Translation: Microsoft will sell search results and placement to app developers.
Larrikin: Ooh. I was just going to say that.
Michael Swaine is the former editor-in-chief of Dr. Dobb's Journal (http://www.ddj.com) and current editor of PragPub (http://
www.pragprog.com/magazine), the electronic magazine for pragmatic programmers. You can reach him at mike@swaine.com.
