TweetFollow Us on Twitter

June 94 - View From the Ledge

View From the Ledge

TAO JONES

[IMAGE 079-080_View_Ledge_rev1.GIF]

Dear Tao,

Someone at work is stealing all my pens. I know it doesn't sound like a big deal, but it's getting to the point where I'm going through dozens a week. Even more frustrating is that I'm certain it's happening during normal business hours, not at night.

I just know the Internal Revenue Service isn't going to believe a huge deduction for office supplies at the end of the year. What can I do?

Pound Wise But Pen Foolish

Dear Pound,

You are in one of those unique positions where you can not only solve the mystery of the missing pens, but also spruce your office up a bit.

The first thing you need to do is cover your walls with blacklight posters. As a minimum you should get a tiger, a Jimi Hendrix, and a flaming dirigible. What's really great is that although interior design has taken huge leaps forward since the 60s, blacklight art has remained remarkably the same. Any investment you make now is sure to be preserved for years.

Once you've got the posters, you naturally must have a blacklight to properly show them off. I would recommend the most powerful one you can get, but you should stay away from the strobes -- although rare, there are some people who experience seizures from strobe light.

At this point the trap is set. Now all you need to do is dust your pens with ultraviolet powder (available from any burglar alarm shop). Make sure that you leave the light off for the first day or two. Then turn it back on and watch the people who come back and forth from your office. The one with the glowing yellow hands is your best suspect.

Note that if you're going to spend much time working under these lamps, you should get yourself a pair of UV goggles. It's not a bad idea to have a pair anyway; they make a great fashion accessory to spice up any wardrobe.

If things ever get a bit dull around the office, you can always set up your own security desk. Imagine the thrill you'll get saying things like "Excuse me, miss, you'll need to be stamped in order to reenterthe building." Putting up a sign that reads "No bottles, cans, knives, or tape recorders" will just add to the ambiance.

Dear Tao,

Lately I've been pondering a real big question that I'm not making any headway with: what, exactly, is it that people are trying to accomplish? Sure, all these software companies are trying to change the world, make profits, and all of that, but why?

Puzzled

Dear Puzzled,

You're asking the question that has plagued people from time immemorial. It's been phrased lots of different ways, usually by big people thinking big thoughts and wearing strange clothes, but the crux is always the same: just what is the deal?

Different religions and philosophies will give you different answers. Buddhists will tell you about enlightenment, Christians will expound on heaven, existentialists will ask "Why do you even care?" and a ten-year-old kid will point to a candy store. Unfortunately, all of these solutions look too far forward into the future, are too imbued with concepts of the human spirit, and still are not answering the basic question as it concerns computing.

I know the answer, but as part of the fraternity of philosophers, advice columnists, and magicians, I'm not supposed to release our secrets. However, I've never been comfortable with being a part of the "in" crowd, so I'll tell you the answer: it's Pac-Man.

From Day 1 people have wanted to be entertained, but for millennia this need was never truly fulfilled. Then in the 1980s Pac-Man came along and there was a brief period of bliss. Money could actually buy happiness -- assuming you had at least a quarter and a Pac-Man machine nearby.

Of course, a person can take only so much of any given kind of happiness, especially one that goes "wokka, wokka, wokka, GOINK!" People became burned out, and the search has been on ever since. That's right: this $200 billion-a-year industry, and all those government think tanks, are actually doing nothing more than searching for the next Pac-Man. Most experts agree that the next big breakthrough will be in a driving game of some type, which explains why you've been hearing so much about the digital highway lately.

Dear Tao,

Believe it or not, I actually like wearing a suit to the office. I've tried the standard jeans and T-shirt outfit, but I just don't feel comfortable in them. My problem is that when I do dress up, my colleagues continually criticize me for it. What can I do?

Pinstriped in Pennsylvania

Dear Pinstriped,

Unfortunately, you're in a very difficult situation that probably isn't "curable." The ailment was discovered in the 1950s and is most commonly referred to today as the "Liberace Syndrome." The studies of the human genome seem to indicate that there's some sort of defect in the appearance gene that will make affected individuals want to start dressing flashier and flashier. It's not clear what causes it, although chronic exposure to jewelry, candelabra, or Las Vegas clearly will make the condition worse. You'll also find that your condition will become more severe with age.

The disease starts very mild. At first you'll shun sneakers. Then you'll start thinking that cotton has too rough of a feel. As things progress to the final and most outrageous stages, you'll find yourselfwanting to wear sequined capes and feather boas. Thousands of people have been afflicted by the Liberace Syndrome: Little Richard, Elvis Presley, Elton John, Madonna, James Brown, and Rip Taylor, to name a few.

So it's bad news and good news about your affliction. The good news is that it's possible to live a full, relatively happy life. The bad news is that you'll never be able to do so in the computer industry. My recommendation is to start singing every morning in the shower, find an agent, and figure out which colors best match your hair and complexion.

RECOMMENDED READING AND LISTENING

  • The Official Scrabble Players Dictionary by Selchow & Righter. Great words from aa to zyzzyva.
  • Pop Art Book of 30 Postcards by Magna Books. High time to send your friend a Lichtenstein.
  • School's Out by Alice Cooper (Warner Bros. Records). Try to find a used copy of the LP, which includes paper panties that were banned as a "fire hazard."

TAO JONES paid his way through college by volunteering as a subject for psychology experiments. He became obsessed with trying to figure out what the experiments he was participating in were trying to determine and then defeating them. One day he was told to go to the testing room down the hall and on the right. He went down the hall and entered a room that was completely dark. Figuring it was an experiment in sensory deprivation, he went in and sat down. Two days later, he emerged, nearly dead from dehydration. It was then that he discovered he'd gone down the hall and turnedleft only to end up in the janitor's closet. *

Tao Index: A person's belief in the truth of a particular argument is inversely proportional to their emotional fury in delivering it. *

You can determine the future of Tao Jones. Simply put, this may be Tao's last column. If he receives no more questions, we will put him in a job better suited to his skills: repairing Lisas and Apple IIIs. Will Tao be saved? Only if enough of you AppleLink DEVELOP with a question on office survival. *

 
AAPL
$99.18
Apple Inc.
-1.57
MSFT
$45.90
Microsoft Corpora
-0.46
GOOG
$568.27
Google Inc.
-9.09

MacTech Search:
Community Search:

Software Updates via MacUpdate

Cocktail Family License (5 Macs) 7.6.1 -...
Cocktail is a general purpose utility for OS X that lets you clean, repair and optimize your Mac. It is a powerful digital toolset that helps hundreds of thousands of Mac users around the world get... Read more
Cocktail 8.0 Beta 2 - General maintenanc...
Cocktail is a general purpose utility for OS X that lets you clean, repair and optimize your Mac. It is a powerful digital toolset that helps hundreds of thousands of Mac users around the world get... Read more
QuickBooks 2015 16.0.0.1352 R1 - Financi...
QuickBooks 2015 helps you manage your business easily and efficiently. Organize your finances all in one place, track money going in and out of your business, and spot areas where you can save.... Read more
Mac DVDRipper Pro 5.0.1 - Copy, backup,...
Mac DVDRipper Pro is the DVD backup solution that lets you protect your DVDs from scratches, save your batteries by reading your movies from your hard disk, manage your collection with just a few... Read more
Apple OS X bash Update 1.0 - Fix for sec...
The OS X bash Update fixes a security flaw in the bash UNIX shell on OS X 10.9.5 (also on OS X 10.8 and 10.7 [see Related Links below]). OS X 10.9.5 or later Downloads for OS X 10.8 and OS X 10.7 in... Read more
SyncTwoFolders 2.0.5 - Syncs two user-sp...
SyncTwoFolders simply synchronizes two folders. It supports synchronization across mounted network drives and it is a possibility to run a simulation showing in a log what will be done. Please visit... Read more
FinderPop 2.5.7 - Classic Mac utility, n...
FinderPop is a Universal preference pane that extends OS X's contextual menus using a FinderPop Items folder much as the Apple Menu Items folder used to do for the Apple menu. It has other features... Read more
VueScan 9.4.45 - Scanner software with a...
VueScan is a scanning program that works with most high-quality flatbed and film scanners to produce scans that have excellent color fidelity and color balance. VueScan is easy to use, and has... Read more
LibreOffice 4.3.2.2 - Free Open Source o...
LibreOffice is an office suite (word processor, spreadsheet, presentations, drawing tool) compatible with other major office suites. The Document Foundation is coordinating development and... Read more
calibre 2.4 - Complete e-library managem...
Calibre is a complete e-book library manager. Organize your collection, convert your books to multiple formats, and sync with all of your devices. Let Calibre be your multi-tasking digital... Read more

Latest Forum Discussions

See All

Banner Saga (Games)
Banner Saga 1.0.17 Device: iOS Universal Category: Games Price: $9.99, Version: 1.0.17 (iTunes) Description: NOTE: The Banner Saga does NOT run on iPhone 4. iPhone 4S and more modern devices recommended. | Read more »
Beatbuddy HD (Games)
Beatbuddy HD 1.0.2 Device: iOS Universal Category: Games Price: $4.99, Version: 1.0.2 (iTunes) Description: **IMPORTANT** Beatbuddy runs only on iPhone 6, 6 Plus, 5, 5c, 5s, iPad 4, iPad Mini Retina and iPad Air. | Read more »
Spirits of Spring (Games)
Spirits of Spring 1.0.1 Device: iOS Universal Category: Games Price: $4.99, Version: 1.0.1 (iTunes) Description: From the creators of the award-winning empathy game, Papo & Yo, comes a tale about finding strength. | Read more »
I am a brave knight (Games)
I am a brave knight 1.0 Device: iOS Universal Category: Games Price: $.99, Version: 1.0 (iTunes) Description: Do you have ten minutes to live a life? | Read more »
iKeywi - Customizable 5-Row Keyboard (U...
iKeywi - Customizable 5-Row Keyboard 1.0 Device: iOS Universal Category: Utilities Price: $.99, Version: 1.0 (iTunes) Description: Want to add an extra row to your iPhone/iPad? One of the most popular keyboard extension in iOS... | Read more »
Manage Your Cloud – Wunderlist Now Suppo...
Manage Your Cloud – Wunderlist Now Supports Dropbox Posted by Jessica Fisher on October 1st, 2014 [ permalink ] Universal App - Designed for iPhone and iPad | Read more »
Nexticy Review
Nexticy Review By Jennifer Allen on October 1st, 2014 Our Rating: :: IDEAL FORM CREATIONiPad Only App - Designed for the iPad Nexticy allows you to make your own forms for research purposes or to organize your business better. It’s... | Read more »
Tiny Troopers: Alliance Marches onto the...
Tiny Troopers: Alliance Marches onto the App Store Tomorrow Posted by Jessica Fisher on October 1st, 2014 [ permalink ] Tiny Troopers: Alliance, by Kukouri, is a | Read more »
HeroCraft Introduces Unlimited Sequel to...
HeroCraft Introduces Unlimited Sequel to WW2: Sandbox. Strategy & Tactics Posted by Jessica Fisher on October 1st, 2014 [ permalink ] | Read more »
RGB Express Review
RGB Express Review By Jennifer Allen on October 1st, 2014 Our Rating: :: DELIGHTFUL PUZZLINGUniversal App - Designed for iPhone and iPad Guide trucks along their delivery routes in RGB Express, a testing but charming puzzle game... | Read more »

Price Scanner via MacPrices.net

ASUS, Lenovo, and Amazon Slug It Out For Tabl...
According to market intelligence firm ABI Research, Apple and Samsung have led the touchscreen tablet market by a substantial margin since Apple energized the category back in 2010. However, ABI says... Read more
Amazon offers 13-inch MacBook Air for $899, $...
Amazon.com has the 13″ 1.4GHz 128GB MacBook Air on sale for $100 off MSRP including free shipping: - 13″ 1.4GHz 128GB MacBook Air: $899.99 Read more
Apple resting On Its iPhone Laurels? – The ‘B...
Apple calls its new iPhone 6 and 6 Plus “The Biggest Advancements in iPhone History,” but does reality live up to the hype? “Seldom have so many waited so breathlessly for so little,” tweeted veteran... Read more
Roundup of Apple Mac and iPad Education disco...
Purchase a new Mac or iPad at The Apple Store for Education and take up to $300 off MSRP. All teachers, students, and staff of any educational institution qualify for the discount. Shipping is free,... Read more
Apple Boycotts German Magazine Computer Bild...
Apple has revoked its PR accreditation of Germany’s Computer Bild, Europe’s best-selling PC magazine, in reaction to Bild’s posting of a “#Bentgate” YouTube video. Axel Telzerow, editor in chief of... Read more
iPhone 6 & iPhone 6 Plus Available in Chi...
Apple has announced that iPhone 6 and iPhone 6 Plus will be available in China beginning Friday, October 17 from the Apple Online Store (http://www.apple.com), Apple’s retail stores, and an expansive... Read more
MacBook Airs on sale for $100 off MSRP, start...
Best Buy has the new 2014 MacBook Airs on sale for $100 off MSRP on their online store. Choose free home shipping or free local store pickup (if available). Prices valid for online orders only, in-... Read more
Apple Releases OS X Mavericks bash Update 1.0...
Apple has released a patch update for OS X Mavericks users to address the recently-detected “Shellshock” security bug in BSD UNIX’s bash shell. Apple says only a few Mac users who had manually... Read more
Pivotal Payments Ready for Apple Pay – FlexPo...
Pivotal Payments, a provider of merchant services and global payment processing solutions, has announced its proprietary FlexPoint platform will support credit and debit transactions through Apple’s... Read more
iStabilizer Announces Tabarm — First Friction...
iStabilizer, a specialist in universal lightweight compact tripods, steady cams, dollies, mounts, and remotes for smartphones, tablets, and cameras, announced today the iStabilizer tabArm, the first... Read more

Jobs Board

*Apple* Retail - Multiple Positions (US) - A...
Sales Specialist - Retail Customer Service and Sales Transform Apple Store visitors into loyal Apple customers. When customers enter the store, you're also the Read more
*Apple* Retail - Multiple Positions (US) - A...
Job Description: Sales Specialist - Retail Customer Service and Sales Transform Apple Store visitors into loyal Apple customers. When customers enter the store, Read more
Senior Event Manager, *Apple* Retail Market...
…This senior level position is responsible for leading and imagining the Apple Retail Team's global event strategy. Delivering an overarching brand story; in-store, Read more
*Apple* Solutions Consultant (ASC) - Apple (...
**Job Summary** The ASC is an Apple employee who serves as an Apple brand ambassador and influencer in a Reseller's store. The ASC's role is to grow Apple Read more
Project Manager / Business Analyst, WW *Appl...
…a senior project manager / business analyst to work within our Worldwide Apple Fulfillment Operations and the Business Process Re-engineering team. This role will work Read more
All contents are Copyright 1984-2011 by Xplain Corporation. All rights reserved. Theme designed by Icreon.