TweetFollow Us on Twitter

March 94 - VIEW FROM THE LEDGE

VIEW FROM THE LEDGE

TAO JONES

[IMAGE 099-100_View_From_Ledge_1.GIF]

Before we get rolling here, I have a confession to make to those of you who have read this column in the last two issues. I feel I owe it to you for being so faithful. Due to lead times, publishing deadlines, and attempts to appear organized, develop authors actually write their MacNuggets of wisdom months before you read them. You've already had a chance to be in a New Year's Day fight with your significant other, yet I'm writing this before Hallowe'en.

How do I put this? I've been lying to you. The questions in my earlier columns were fakes. I made them up for my own self-aggrandizement. Which is bad enough, but I also gave myself the heartwarmingly collectible gift that's supposed to be given to the dedicated readers who write in. Like Richard Nixon in the seventies, I guess the only defense I have is: I misspoke myself.

But that's the past, and now my head reels because I've received four letters. (Well, actually I received three and develop's editor got a piece of hate mail.) Now I know what it's like to be 1/150,000th of "Dear Abby."

Dear Tao,

Help! We have a power-hungry team member who is making the rest of the team thoroughly miserable! What can we do? Mutiny has crossed our collective minds, but after reading Mutiny on the Bounty none of us fancies suffering the fate of Mr. Christian.

Desperate

Dear Desperate,

In general you'll find that the world is in turmoil for no reason other than intolerance. If people simply were more tolerant of each other's beliefs, values, customs, and driving skills, the world would be a much more hospitable place. Typically you should try to live in as much harmony as possible with your office workers in an effort to spread peace and happiness in the world. This, however, is not one of those times.

You may be surprised to learn that the answer to your problem was at your fingertips; you just failed to dig far enough for it. All you needed to do was ask yourself a simple question: Whatwas the fate of Fletcher Christian?

Historians have actually tried to cover up thereal reason there was mutiny: it had nothing to do with ill-tempered leadership. Rather, Mr. Christian couldn't stand being in an island-sized sauna with the obese Captain Bligh any longer. To remedy the situation, Mr. Christian decided to send Bligh on a crash diet the old-fashioned way: by making him row across 3500 miles of open ocean.

Shortly after Bligh left, Mr. Christian got out his Apple I computer with cassette tape backup (remember, this was along time ago) and discovered that, by Jove, Bligh might actually make it. The last thing Mr. Christian wanted was to witness a size-6 Bligh parade his new physique around the island. So, he gathered up a bunch of Tahitian babes, sailed over to Pitcairn Island, burned the Bounty, and lived the rest of his life sipping coconut juice in a tropical paradise. The only penalty was that he would never be able to go back to a country where they serve a dish called "Spotted Dick" for dessert. To say it was a fair trade is a gross understatement.

Taking a cue from Mr. Christian, I'd say the following actions are in order: First, get a detailed plan of your building(s) and find the spot that's the furthest from where the mutiny will actually take place; this will be your equivalent of Pitcairn Island. Due to twentieth-century building layout, it's very possible that you may have to choose someplace like a boiler room. This gives you the tropical climate by default, but I'd add some sand and a few posters just to spice the place up a bit. Don't forget to stock enough coconut milk to last until your management turns its attention to some other crisis. Two weeks worth is probably more than enough.

Then, mutiny to your heart's content. Start by issuing a new org chart, and when your troublemaker comes to protest, just do whatever seems to be most natural. Be as loud and obnoxious as possible, and don't forget to throw in lines like "You call yourself a ship's Captain?" and "From now on you get your own breadfruit trees!" Burning things to the ground is optional. I wouldn't recommend it if your paycheck is important to you.

There's a good chance you'll be set for life. Just be sure you don't get so carried away that you start sending postcards to your colleagues from your island retreat. Nothing gives away a hiding spot like a postmark.

Dear Tao,

Every time I get up quickly I become dizzy. Everyone thinks I have a drinking problem. What can I do?

Spinning in Sacramento

Dear Spinning,

You're in a situation that has very serious physical and sociological implications and needs immediate attention. First and foremost, you should get yourself to a doctor. You may have something as complicated and life threatening as transient ischemic attack, or you may just be a ditz. Only a licensed physician will be able to tell for sure. By no means should you rely on self-diagnosis from watching reruns of "Marcus Welby, M.D." Remember, the guy who played Dr. Kiley tried that and he ended up inThe Amityville Horror.

Whatever you do, if you go to a university to get checked, becertainthe person you're talking to is a Medical Doctor. You can't swing a dead cat in that environment without hitting someone who is all too willing to be called "Doctor" yet thinks that "throat culture" has something to do with opera. These people have the title "Doctor of Philosophy," and their specialty is to heal problems with philosophical ideals. If you believe your dizziness is caused by an inability to understand dialectic materialism, this type of doctor is perfect; otherwise, steer clear.

Unfortunately, getting fixed physically won't heal the seeping sociological wound that has opened by everyone thinking you're intoxicated. To tackle this part, first you should decide whether you deserve any time off from work. If you think you do, tell your boss you believe you have a substance abuse problem, and ask to have at least a month off to get yourself treated. If you happen to acquire a tan while you're gone, say that you had to have minor UV therapy for jaundice.

If you don't want the time off, or you want to squelch those rumors once and for all, simply stand up in your next company meeting and say something like, "I know many of you think I have a drinking problem due to my dizzy spells. This simply is not true. I just have a very strange habit of having my head reel whenever I get around a corporate back-stabbing weasel."

RECOMMENDED READING AND LISTENING

  • The Red Couch by Clarke, Moon, and Wackerbarth. Surprisingly, it's lots of pictures of a red couch.
  • War and Peace by Leo Tolstoy. Good book. Great monitor stand.
  • Godzilla, on Star Child records. The original soundtrack; makes all other music sound great.

TAO JONES was stunned when he discovered that the actual lyrics to The Beatles' "Let It Be," were, "and in my hour of darkness, she is standing right in front of me." He thought the line was, "and in my oblidoplous. . ." and spent the next ten years trying to figure out what an oblidoplous was. *

Tao Index: Roughly 50% of the lawyers in the world graduated in the bottom half of their class. *

Have you seen this polar bear cub?*

Tao needs questions to keep from hoarding the freebies he is supposed to be sending out to you, the devoted reader. Send your queries regarding all aspects of office survival, or just that funny little thing we call "life," to AppleLink DEVELOP, and there's a possibility that you'll end up even cooler than you are now. *

 
AAPL
$102.50
Apple Inc.
+0.25
MSFT
$45.43
Microsoft Corpora
+0.55
GOOG
$571.60
Google Inc.
+2.40

MacTech Search:
Community Search:

Software Updates via MacUpdate

Path Finder 6.5.5 - Powerful, award-winn...
Path Finder is a file browser that combines the familiar Finder interface with the powerful utilities and innovative features. Just a small selection of the Path Finder 6 feature set: Dual pane... Read more
QuarkXPress 10.2.1 - Desktop publishing...
With QuarkXPress, you can communicate in all the ways you need to -- and always look professional -- in print and digital media, all in a single tool. Features include: Easy to Use -- QuarkXPress is... Read more
Skype 6.19.0.450 - Voice-over-internet p...
Skype allows you to talk to friends, family and co-workers across the Internet without the inconvenience of long distance telephone charges. Using peer-to-peer data transmission technology, Skype... Read more
VueScan 9.4.41 - Scanner software with a...
VueScan is a scanning program that works with most high-quality flatbed and film scanners to produce scans that have excellent color fidelity and color balance. VueScan is easy to use, and has... Read more
Cloud 3.0.0 - File sharing from your men...
Cloud is simple file sharing for the Mac. Drag a file from your Mac to the CloudApp icon in the menubar and we take care of the rest. A link to the file will automatically be copied to your clipboard... Read more
LibreOffice 4.3.1.2 - Free Open Source o...
LibreOffice is an office suite (word processor, spreadsheet, presentations, drawing tool) compatible with other major office suites. The Document Foundation is coordinating development and... Read more
SlingPlayer Plugin 3.3.20.505 - Browser...
SlingPlayer is the screen interface software that works hand-in-hand with the hardware inside the Slingbox to make your TV viewing experience just like that at home. It features an array of... Read more
Get Lyrical 3.8 - Auto-magically adds ly...
Get Lyrical auto-magically add lyrics to songs in iTunes. You can choose either a selection of tracks, or the current track. Or turn on "Active Tagging" to get lyrics for songs as you play them.... Read more
Viber 4.2.2 - Send messages and make cal...
Viber lets you send free messages and make free calls to other Viber users, on any device and network, in any country! Viber syncs your contacts, messages and call history with your mobile device,... Read more
Cocktail 7.6 - General maintenance and o...
Cocktail is a general purpose utility for OS X that lets you clean, repair and optimize your Mac. It is a powerful digital toolset that helps hundreds of thousands of Mac users around the world get... Read more

Latest Forum Discussions

See All

Rhonna Designs Magic (Photography)
Rhonna Designs Magic 1.0 Device: iOS Universal Category: Photography Price: $1.99, Version: 1.0 (iTunes) Description: Want to sprinkle *magic* on your photos? With RD Magic, you can add colors, filters, light leaks, bokeh, edges,... | Read more »
This Week at 148Apps: August 25-29, 2014
Shiny Happy App Reviews   | Read more »
Qube Kingdom – Tips, Tricks, Strategies,...
Qube Kingdom is a tower defense game from DeNA. You rally your troops – magicians, archers, knights, barbarians, and others – and fight against an evil menace looking to dominate your kingdom of tiny squares. Planning a war isn’t easy, so here are a... | Read more »
Qube Kingdom Review
Qube Kingdom Review By Nadia Oxford on August 29th, 2014 Our Rating: :: KIND OF A SQUARE KINGDOMUniversal App - Designed for iPhone and iPad Qube Kingdom has cute visuals, but it’s a pretty basic tower defense game at heart.   | Read more »
Fire in the Hole Review
Fire in the Hole Review By Rob Thomas on August 29th, 2014 Our Rating: :: WALK THE PLANKUniversal App - Designed for iPhone and iPad Seafoam’s Fire in the Hole looks like a bright, 8-bit throwback, but there’s not enough booty to... | Read more »
Alien Creeps TD is Now Available Worldwi...
Alien Creeps TD is Now Available Worldwide Posted by Ellis Spice on August 29th, 2014 [ permalink ] Universal App - Designed for iPhone and iPad | Read more »
Dodo Master Review
Dodo Master Review By Jordan Minor on August 29th, 2014 Our Rating: :: NEST EGGiPad Only App - Designed for the iPad Dodo Master is tough but fair, and that’s what makes it a joy to play.   | Read more »
Motorsport Manager Review
Motorsport Manager Review By Lee Hamlet on August 29th, 2014 Our Rating: :: MARVELOUS MANAGEMENTUniversal App - Designed for iPhone and iPad Despite its depth and sense of tactical freedom, Motorsport Manager is one of the most... | Read more »
Motorsport Manager – Beginner Tips, Tric...
The world of Motorsport management can be an unforgiving and merciless one, so to help with some of the stress that comes with running a successful race team, here are a few hints and tips to leave your opponents in the dust. | Read more »
CalPal Update Brings the App to 2.0, Add...
CalPal Update Brings the App to 2.0, Adds Lots of New Stuff Posted by Ellis Spice on August 29th, 2014 [ permalink ] | Read more »

Price Scanner via MacPrices.net

Apple now offering refurbished 21-inch 1.4GHz...
The Apple Store is now offering Apple Certified Refurbished 21″ 1.4GHz iMacs for $929 including free shipping plus Apple’s standard one-year warranty. Their price is $170 off the cost of new models,... Read more
Save $50 on the 2.5GHz Mac mini, on sale for...
B&H Photo has the 2.5GHz Mac mini on sale for $549.99 including free shipping. That’s $50 off MSRP, and B&H will also include a free copy of Parallels Desktop software. NY sales tax only. Read more
Save up to $300 on an iMac with Apple refurbi...
The Apple Store has Apple Certified Refurbished iMacs available for up to $300 off the cost of new models. Apple’s one-year warranty is standard, and shipping is free. These are the best prices on... Read more
The Rise of Phablets
Carlisle & Gallagher Consulting Group, a businesses and technology consulting firm focused solely on the financial services industry, has released an infographic depicting the convergence of... Read more
Bad Driver Database App Allows Good Drivers t...
Bad Driver Database 1.4 by Facile Group is a new iOS and Android app that lets users instantly input and see how many times a careless, reckless or just plain stupid driver has been added to the... Read more
Eddy – Cloud Music Player for iPhone/iPad Fre...
Ukraine based CapableBits announces the release of Eddy, its tiny, but smart and powerful cloud music player for iPhone and iPad that allows users to stream or download music directly from cloud... Read more
A&D Medical Launches Its WellnessConnecte...
For consumers and the healthcare providers and loved ones who care for them, A&D Medical, a leader in connected health and biometric measurement devices and services, has launched its... Read more
Anand Lal Shimpi Retires From AnandTech
Anand Lal Shimpi, whose AnandTech Website is famous for its meticulously detailed and thoroughgoing reviews and analysis, is packing it in. Lal Shimpi, who founded the tech site at age 14 in 1997,... Read more
2.5GHz Mac mini, Apple refurbished, in stock...
The Apple Store has Apple Certified Refurbished 2.5GHz Mac minis available for $509, $90 off MSRP. Apple’s one-year warranty is included, and shipping is free. Read more
13-inch 2.5GHz MacBook Pro on sale for $999,...
B&H Photo has the 13″ 2.5GHz MacBook Pro on sale for $999.99 including free shipping plus NY sales tax only. Their price is $100 off MSRP. Read more

Jobs Board

*Apple* Retail - Multiple Positions (US) - A...
Sales Specialist - Retail Customer Service and Sales Transform Apple Store visitors into loyal Apple customers. When customers enter the store, you're also the Read more
*Apple* Retail - Multiple Positions (US) - A...
Sales Specialist - Retail Customer Service and Sales Transform Apple Store visitors into loyal Apple customers. When customers enter the store, you're also the Read more
*Apple* Retail - Multiple Positions (US) - A...
Sales Specialist - Retail Customer Service and Sales Transform Apple Store visitors into loyal Apple customers. When customers enter the store, you're also the Read more
*Apple* Retail - Multiple Positions (US) - A...
Sales Specialist - Retail Customer Service and Sales Transform Apple Store visitors into loyal Apple customers. When customers enter the store, you're also the Read more
Senior Event Manager, *Apple* Retail Market...
…This senior level position is responsible for leading and imagining the Apple Retail Team's global event strategy. Delivering an overarching brand story; in-store, Read more
All contents are Copyright 1984-2011 by Xplain Corporation. All rights reserved. Theme designed by Icreon.