TweetFollow Us on Twitter

March 94 - VIEW FROM THE LEDGE

VIEW FROM THE LEDGE

TAO JONES

[IMAGE 099-100_View_From_Ledge_1.GIF]

Before we get rolling here, I have a confession to make to those of you who have read this column in the last two issues. I feel I owe it to you for being so faithful. Due to lead times, publishing deadlines, and attempts to appear organized, develop authors actually write their MacNuggets of wisdom months before you read them. You've already had a chance to be in a New Year's Day fight with your significant other, yet I'm writing this before Hallowe'en.

How do I put this? I've been lying to you. The questions in my earlier columns were fakes. I made them up for my own self-aggrandizement. Which is bad enough, but I also gave myself the heartwarmingly collectible gift that's supposed to be given to the dedicated readers who write in. Like Richard Nixon in the seventies, I guess the only defense I have is: I misspoke myself.

But that's the past, and now my head reels because I've received four letters. (Well, actually I received three and develop's editor got a piece of hate mail.) Now I know what it's like to be 1/150,000th of "Dear Abby."

Dear Tao,

Help! We have a power-hungry team member who is making the rest of the team thoroughly miserable! What can we do? Mutiny has crossed our collective minds, but after reading Mutiny on the Bounty none of us fancies suffering the fate of Mr. Christian.

Desperate

Dear Desperate,

In general you'll find that the world is in turmoil for no reason other than intolerance. If people simply were more tolerant of each other's beliefs, values, customs, and driving skills, the world would be a much more hospitable place. Typically you should try to live in as much harmony as possible with your office workers in an effort to spread peace and happiness in the world. This, however, is not one of those times.

You may be surprised to learn that the answer to your problem was at your fingertips; you just failed to dig far enough for it. All you needed to do was ask yourself a simple question: Whatwas the fate of Fletcher Christian?

Historians have actually tried to cover up thereal reason there was mutiny: it had nothing to do with ill-tempered leadership. Rather, Mr. Christian couldn't stand being in an island-sized sauna with the obese Captain Bligh any longer. To remedy the situation, Mr. Christian decided to send Bligh on a crash diet the old-fashioned way: by making him row across 3500 miles of open ocean.

Shortly after Bligh left, Mr. Christian got out his Apple I computer with cassette tape backup (remember, this was along time ago) and discovered that, by Jove, Bligh might actually make it. The last thing Mr. Christian wanted was to witness a size-6 Bligh parade his new physique around the island. So, he gathered up a bunch of Tahitian babes, sailed over to Pitcairn Island, burned the Bounty, and lived the rest of his life sipping coconut juice in a tropical paradise. The only penalty was that he would never be able to go back to a country where they serve a dish called "Spotted Dick" for dessert. To say it was a fair trade is a gross understatement.

Taking a cue from Mr. Christian, I'd say the following actions are in order: First, get a detailed plan of your building(s) and find the spot that's the furthest from where the mutiny will actually take place; this will be your equivalent of Pitcairn Island. Due to twentieth-century building layout, it's very possible that you may have to choose someplace like a boiler room. This gives you the tropical climate by default, but I'd add some sand and a few posters just to spice the place up a bit. Don't forget to stock enough coconut milk to last until your management turns its attention to some other crisis. Two weeks worth is probably more than enough.

Then, mutiny to your heart's content. Start by issuing a new org chart, and when your troublemaker comes to protest, just do whatever seems to be most natural. Be as loud and obnoxious as possible, and don't forget to throw in lines like "You call yourself a ship's Captain?" and "From now on you get your own breadfruit trees!" Burning things to the ground is optional. I wouldn't recommend it if your paycheck is important to you.

There's a good chance you'll be set for life. Just be sure you don't get so carried away that you start sending postcards to your colleagues from your island retreat. Nothing gives away a hiding spot like a postmark.

Dear Tao,

Every time I get up quickly I become dizzy. Everyone thinks I have a drinking problem. What can I do?

Spinning in Sacramento

Dear Spinning,

You're in a situation that has very serious physical and sociological implications and needs immediate attention. First and foremost, you should get yourself to a doctor. You may have something as complicated and life threatening as transient ischemic attack, or you may just be a ditz. Only a licensed physician will be able to tell for sure. By no means should you rely on self-diagnosis from watching reruns of "Marcus Welby, M.D." Remember, the guy who played Dr. Kiley tried that and he ended up inThe Amityville Horror.

Whatever you do, if you go to a university to get checked, becertainthe person you're talking to is a Medical Doctor. You can't swing a dead cat in that environment without hitting someone who is all too willing to be called "Doctor" yet thinks that "throat culture" has something to do with opera. These people have the title "Doctor of Philosophy," and their specialty is to heal problems with philosophical ideals. If you believe your dizziness is caused by an inability to understand dialectic materialism, this type of doctor is perfect; otherwise, steer clear.

Unfortunately, getting fixed physically won't heal the seeping sociological wound that has opened by everyone thinking you're intoxicated. To tackle this part, first you should decide whether you deserve any time off from work. If you think you do, tell your boss you believe you have a substance abuse problem, and ask to have at least a month off to get yourself treated. If you happen to acquire a tan while you're gone, say that you had to have minor UV therapy for jaundice.

If you don't want the time off, or you want to squelch those rumors once and for all, simply stand up in your next company meeting and say something like, "I know many of you think I have a drinking problem due to my dizzy spells. This simply is not true. I just have a very strange habit of having my head reel whenever I get around a corporate back-stabbing weasel."

RECOMMENDED READING AND LISTENING

  • The Red Couch by Clarke, Moon, and Wackerbarth. Surprisingly, it's lots of pictures of a red couch.
  • War and Peace by Leo Tolstoy. Good book. Great monitor stand.
  • Godzilla, on Star Child records. The original soundtrack; makes all other music sound great.

TAO JONES was stunned when he discovered that the actual lyrics to The Beatles' "Let It Be," were, "and in my hour of darkness, she is standing right in front of me." He thought the line was, "and in my oblidoplous. . ." and spent the next ten years trying to figure out what an oblidoplous was. *

Tao Index: Roughly 50% of the lawyers in the world graduated in the bottom half of their class. *

Have you seen this polar bear cub?*

Tao needs questions to keep from hoarding the freebies he is supposed to be sending out to you, the devoted reader. Send your queries regarding all aspects of office survival, or just that funny little thing we call "life," to AppleLink DEVELOP, and there's a possibility that you'll end up even cooler than you are now. *

 

Community Search:
MacTech Search:

Software Updates via MacUpdate

Tweetbot 2.5.3 - Popular Twitter client.
Tweetbot is a full-featured OS X Twitter client with a lot of personality. Whether it's the meticulously-crafted interface, sounds and animation, or features like multiple timelines and column views... Read more
Hopper Disassembler 4.2.19- - Binary dis...
Hopper Disassembler is a binary disassembler, decompiler, and debugger for 32- and 64-bit executables. It will let you disassemble any binary you want, and provide you all the information about its... Read more
Monosnap 3.4.0 - Versatile screenshot ut...
Monosnap lets you capture screenshots, share files, and record video and .gifs! Capture Capture full screen, just part of the screen, or a selected window Make your crop area pixel perfect with our... Read more
Duet 1.6.5.5 - Use your iPad as an exter...
Duet is the first app that allows you to use your iDevice as an extra display for your Mac using the Lightning or 30-pin cable. Note: This app requires a $14.99 iOS companion app. Version 1.6.5.5:... Read more
Hopper Disassembler 4.2.19- - Binary dis...
Hopper Disassembler is a binary disassembler, decompiler, and debugger for 32- and 64-bit executables. It will let you disassemble any binary you want, and provide you all the information about its... Read more
Duet 1.6.5.5 - Use your iPad as an exter...
Duet is the first app that allows you to use your iDevice as an extra display for your Mac using the Lightning or 30-pin cable. Note: This app requires a $14.99 iOS companion app. Version 1.6.5.5:... Read more
Monosnap 3.4.0 - Versatile screenshot ut...
Monosnap lets you capture screenshots, share files, and record video and .gifs! Capture Capture full screen, just part of the screen, or a selected window Make your crop area pixel perfect with our... Read more
Tweetbot 2.5.3 - Popular Twitter client.
Tweetbot is a full-featured OS X Twitter client with a lot of personality. Whether it's the meticulously-crafted interface, sounds and animation, or features like multiple timelines and column views... Read more
Default Folder X 5.1.6 - Enhances Open a...
Default Folder X attaches a toolbar to the right side of the Open and Save dialogs in any OS X-native application. The toolbar gives you fast access to various folders and commands. You just click on... Read more
Evernote 6.12.3 - Create searchable note...
Evernote allows you to easily capture information in any environment using whatever device or platform you find most convenient, and makes this information accessible and searchable at anytime, from... Read more

The best new games we played this week -...
It's pretty much been one big release after another. We were privy to a bunch of surprises this week, with a lot of games we'd been waiting for quite some time dropping unexpectedly. We hope you're free this weekend, because there is a lot for... | Read more »
Stormbound: Kingdom Wars guide - how to...
Stormbound: Kingdom Wars is an excellent new RTS turned card battler out now on iOS and Android. Lovers of strategy will get a lot of enjoyment out of Stormbound's chess-like mechanics, and it's cardbased units are perfect for anyone who loves the... | Read more »
The best AR apps and games on iOS right...
iOS 11 has officially launched, and with it comes Apple's ARKit, a helpful framework that makes it easier than ever for developers to create mobile AR experiences. To celebrate the occassion, we're featuring some of the best AR apps and games on... | Read more »
Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney - Spirit of...
Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney - Spirit of Justice 1.00.00 Device: iOS Universal Category: Games Price: $.99, Version: 1.00.00 (iTunes) Description: ************************************************※IMPORTANT※・Please read the “When... | Read more »
Kpressor (Utilities)
Kpressor 1.0.0 Device: iOS Universal Category: Utilities Price: $4.99, Version: 1.0.0 (iTunes) Description: The ultimate ZIP compression application for iPhone and iPad. - Full integration of iOS 11 with support for multitasking.-... | Read more »
Find out how you can save £35 and win a...
Nothing raises excitement like a good competition, and we’re thrilled to announce our latest contest. We’ll be sending one lucky reader and a friend to the Summoners War World Arena Championship at Le Comedia in Paris on October 7th. It’s the... | Read more »
Another Lost Phone: Laura's Story...
Another Lost Phone: Laura's Story 1.0 Device: iOS Universal Category: Games Price: $2.99, Version: 1.0 (iTunes) Description: Another Lost Phone is a game about exploring the social life of a young woman whose phone you have just... | Read more »
The Witness (Games)
The Witness 1.0 Device: iOS Universal Category: Games Price: $9.99, Version: 1.0 (iTunes) Description: You wake up, alone, on a strange island full of puzzles that will challenge and surprise you. You don't remember who you are, and... | Read more »
Egg, Inc. guide - how to build your gold...
Egg, Inc.'s been around for some time now, but don't you believe for one second that this quirky clicker game has gone out of style. The game keeps popping up on Reddit and other community forums thanks to the outlandish gameplay (plus, the... | Read more »
The best deals on the App Store this wee...
Good news, everyone! Your favorite day of the week has arrived at last -- it's discount roundup day! This fine Wednesday evening we're gathering up the hottest deals on the App Store. We've got action platformers, we've got puzzle games, we've got... | Read more »

Price Scanner via MacPrices.net

Sunday sale: 13-inch 3.1GHz MacBook Pros for...
Amazon has 2017 13″ 3.1GHz MacBook Pros on sale today for up to $150 off MSRP, each including free shipping: – 13″ 3.1GHz/256GB Space Gray MacBook Pro (MPXV2LL/A): $1649.99 $150 off MSRP – 13″ 3.1GHz... Read more
Looking for a 2017 12″ Retina MacBook? Save $...
Apple has Certified Refurbished 2017 12″ Retina MacBooks available for $200-$240 off the cost of new models. Apple will include a standard one-year warranty with each MacBook, and shipping is free.... Read more
Apple Offering Up To $455 Credit Toward iPhon...
iPhone 8 and 8 Plus are now available at the Apple Store, and you can receive up to $375 credit toward a new iPhone purchase when you trade in your eligible smartphone. Photo Courtesy Apple Just... Read more
AnyTrans Offers iOS Users Three Ways For Movi...
iMobie Inc. today announceed AnyTrans v6.0.1, which now can help iOS users move all data to iPhone 8/8 Plus seamlessly. The software is available both on Mac and Windows and fully able to move all... Read more
Snag a 13-inch 2.3GHz MacBook Pro for $100 of...
B&H Photo has 2017 13″ 2.3GHz MacBook Pros in stock today and on sale for $100 off MSRP, each including free shipping plus NY & NJ sales tax only: – 13-inch 2.3GHz/128GB Space Gray MacBook... Read more
Verizon offers new iPhone 8 for $100-$300 off...
Verizon is offering the new iPhone 8 for up to $300 off MSRP with an eligible trade-in: • $300 off: iPhone 6S/6S Plus/7/7 Plus, Google Pixel XL, LG G6, Moto Z2 Force, Samsung Galaxy S7/S7 edge/S8/S8... Read more
Apple Refurbished 2017 13-inch MacBook Pros a...
Apple has Certified Refurbished 2017 13″ Touch Bar MacBook Pros in stock today and available for $200-$300 off MSRP. A standard Apple one-year warranty is included with each MacBook, and shipping is... Read more
OWC USB-C Travel Dock with 5 Ports Connectivi...
OWC have announced the new OWC USB-C Travel Dock, the latest addition to their line of connectivity solutions. The USB-C Travel Dock lets you connect its integrated USB-C cable to a Mac or PC laptop... Read more
Pelican Products, Inc. Unveils Cases For All...
Pelican Products, Inc. has announced the launch of its full line of cases including Voyager, Adventurer, Protector, Ambassador, Interceptor (for the Apple iPhone 8 and 8 Plus backwards compatible... Read more
$100 off new 2017 13-inch MacBook Airs
B&H Photo has 2017 13″ MacBook Airs on sale today for $100 off MSRP including free shipping. B&H charges NY & NJ sales tax only: – 13″ 1.8GHz/128GB MacBook Air (MQD32LL/A): $899, $100 off... Read more

Jobs Board

Instructional Designer, *Apple* Product Doc...
Job Summary The Apple Product Documentation team is looking for an instructional designer or a video editor to write user documentation for its professional video Read more
*Apple* Retail - Multiple Positions - Apple,...
Job Description: Sales Specialist - Retail Customer Service and Sales Transform Apple Store visitors into loyal Apple customers. When customers enter the store, Read more
Development Operations and Site Reliability E...
Development Operations and Site Reliability Engineer, Apple Payment Gateway Job Number: 57572631 Santa Clara Valley, California, United States Posted: Jul. 27, 2017 Read more
Specialist - Retail Customer Services and Sal...
The position listed below is not with Tennessee Interviews but with Apple , Inc. Tennessee Interviews is a private organization that works in collaboration with Read more
Specialist - Retail Customer Services and Sal...
The position listed below is not with South Carolina Interviews but with Apple , Inc. South Carolina Interviews is a private organization that works in collaboration Read more
All contents are Copyright 1984-2011 by Xplain Corporation. All rights reserved. Theme designed by Icreon.