TweetFollow Us on Twitter

March 94 - VIEW FROM THE LEDGE

VIEW FROM THE LEDGE

TAO JONES

[IMAGE 099-100_View_From_Ledge_1.GIF]

Before we get rolling here, I have a confession to make to those of you who have read this column in the last two issues. I feel I owe it to you for being so faithful. Due to lead times, publishing deadlines, and attempts to appear organized, develop authors actually write their MacNuggets of wisdom months before you read them. You've already had a chance to be in a New Year's Day fight with your significant other, yet I'm writing this before Hallowe'en.

How do I put this? I've been lying to you. The questions in my earlier columns were fakes. I made them up for my own self-aggrandizement. Which is bad enough, but I also gave myself the heartwarmingly collectible gift that's supposed to be given to the dedicated readers who write in. Like Richard Nixon in the seventies, I guess the only defense I have is: I misspoke myself.

But that's the past, and now my head reels because I've received four letters. (Well, actually I received three and develop's editor got a piece of hate mail.) Now I know what it's like to be 1/150,000th of "Dear Abby."

Dear Tao,

Help! We have a power-hungry team member who is making the rest of the team thoroughly miserable! What can we do? Mutiny has crossed our collective minds, but after reading Mutiny on the Bounty none of us fancies suffering the fate of Mr. Christian.

Desperate

Dear Desperate,

In general you'll find that the world is in turmoil for no reason other than intolerance. If people simply were more tolerant of each other's beliefs, values, customs, and driving skills, the world would be a much more hospitable place. Typically you should try to live in as much harmony as possible with your office workers in an effort to spread peace and happiness in the world. This, however, is not one of those times.

You may be surprised to learn that the answer to your problem was at your fingertips; you just failed to dig far enough for it. All you needed to do was ask yourself a simple question: Whatwas the fate of Fletcher Christian?

Historians have actually tried to cover up thereal reason there was mutiny: it had nothing to do with ill-tempered leadership. Rather, Mr. Christian couldn't stand being in an island-sized sauna with the obese Captain Bligh any longer. To remedy the situation, Mr. Christian decided to send Bligh on a crash diet the old-fashioned way: by making him row across 3500 miles of open ocean.

Shortly after Bligh left, Mr. Christian got out his Apple I computer with cassette tape backup (remember, this was along time ago) and discovered that, by Jove, Bligh might actually make it. The last thing Mr. Christian wanted was to witness a size-6 Bligh parade his new physique around the island. So, he gathered up a bunch of Tahitian babes, sailed over to Pitcairn Island, burned the Bounty, and lived the rest of his life sipping coconut juice in a tropical paradise. The only penalty was that he would never be able to go back to a country where they serve a dish called "Spotted Dick" for dessert. To say it was a fair trade is a gross understatement.

Taking a cue from Mr. Christian, I'd say the following actions are in order: First, get a detailed plan of your building(s) and find the spot that's the furthest from where the mutiny will actually take place; this will be your equivalent of Pitcairn Island. Due to twentieth-century building layout, it's very possible that you may have to choose someplace like a boiler room. This gives you the tropical climate by default, but I'd add some sand and a few posters just to spice the place up a bit. Don't forget to stock enough coconut milk to last until your management turns its attention to some other crisis. Two weeks worth is probably more than enough.

Then, mutiny to your heart's content. Start by issuing a new org chart, and when your troublemaker comes to protest, just do whatever seems to be most natural. Be as loud and obnoxious as possible, and don't forget to throw in lines like "You call yourself a ship's Captain?" and "From now on you get your own breadfruit trees!" Burning things to the ground is optional. I wouldn't recommend it if your paycheck is important to you.

There's a good chance you'll be set for life. Just be sure you don't get so carried away that you start sending postcards to your colleagues from your island retreat. Nothing gives away a hiding spot like a postmark.

Dear Tao,

Every time I get up quickly I become dizzy. Everyone thinks I have a drinking problem. What can I do?

Spinning in Sacramento

Dear Spinning,

You're in a situation that has very serious physical and sociological implications and needs immediate attention. First and foremost, you should get yourself to a doctor. You may have something as complicated and life threatening as transient ischemic attack, or you may just be a ditz. Only a licensed physician will be able to tell for sure. By no means should you rely on self-diagnosis from watching reruns of "Marcus Welby, M.D." Remember, the guy who played Dr. Kiley tried that and he ended up inThe Amityville Horror.

Whatever you do, if you go to a university to get checked, becertainthe person you're talking to is a Medical Doctor. You can't swing a dead cat in that environment without hitting someone who is all too willing to be called "Doctor" yet thinks that "throat culture" has something to do with opera. These people have the title "Doctor of Philosophy," and their specialty is to heal problems with philosophical ideals. If you believe your dizziness is caused by an inability to understand dialectic materialism, this type of doctor is perfect; otherwise, steer clear.

Unfortunately, getting fixed physically won't heal the seeping sociological wound that has opened by everyone thinking you're intoxicated. To tackle this part, first you should decide whether you deserve any time off from work. If you think you do, tell your boss you believe you have a substance abuse problem, and ask to have at least a month off to get yourself treated. If you happen to acquire a tan while you're gone, say that you had to have minor UV therapy for jaundice.

If you don't want the time off, or you want to squelch those rumors once and for all, simply stand up in your next company meeting and say something like, "I know many of you think I have a drinking problem due to my dizzy spells. This simply is not true. I just have a very strange habit of having my head reel whenever I get around a corporate back-stabbing weasel."

RECOMMENDED READING AND LISTENING

  • The Red Couch by Clarke, Moon, and Wackerbarth. Surprisingly, it's lots of pictures of a red couch.
  • War and Peace by Leo Tolstoy. Good book. Great monitor stand.
  • Godzilla, on Star Child records. The original soundtrack; makes all other music sound great.

TAO JONES was stunned when he discovered that the actual lyrics to The Beatles' "Let It Be," were, "and in my hour of darkness, she is standing right in front of me." He thought the line was, "and in my oblidoplous. . ." and spent the next ten years trying to figure out what an oblidoplous was. *

Tao Index: Roughly 50% of the lawyers in the world graduated in the bottom half of their class. *

Have you seen this polar bear cub?*

Tao needs questions to keep from hoarding the freebies he is supposed to be sending out to you, the devoted reader. Send your queries regarding all aspects of office survival, or just that funny little thing we call "life," to AppleLink DEVELOP, and there's a possibility that you'll end up even cooler than you are now. *

 
AAPL
$100.75
Apple Inc.
+0.64
MSFT
$46.36
Microsoft Corpora
-0.08
GOOG
$577.36
Google Inc.
+1.00

MacTech Search:
Community Search:

Software Updates via MacUpdate

QuickBooks 2015 16.0.0.1352 R1 - Financi...
QuickBooks 2015 helps you manage your business easily and efficiently. Organize your finances all in one place, track money going in and out of your business, and spot areas where you can save.... Read more
Mac DVDRipper Pro 5.0.1 - Copy, backup,...
Mac DVDRipper Pro is the DVD backup solution that lets you protect your DVDs from scratches, save your batteries by reading your movies from your hard disk, manage your collection with just a few... Read more
Apple OS X bash Update 1.0 - Fix for sec...
The OS X bash Update fixes a security flaw in the bash UNIX shell on OS X 10.9.5 (also on OS X 10.8 and 10.7 [see Related Links below]). OS X 10.9.5 or later Downloads for OS X 10.8 and OS X 10.7 in... Read more
SyncTwoFolders 2.0.5 - Syncs two user-sp...
SyncTwoFolders simply synchronizes two folders. It supports synchronization across mounted network drives and it is a possibility to run a simulation showing in a log what will be done. Please visit... Read more
FinderPop 2.5.7 - Classic Mac utility, n...
FinderPop is a Universal preference pane that extends OS X's contextual menus using a FinderPop Items folder much as the Apple Menu Items folder used to do for the Apple menu. It has other features... Read more
VueScan 9.4.45 - Scanner software with a...
VueScan is a scanning program that works with most high-quality flatbed and film scanners to produce scans that have excellent color fidelity and color balance. VueScan is easy to use, and has... Read more
LibreOffice 4.3.2.2 - Free Open Source o...
LibreOffice is an office suite (word processor, spreadsheet, presentations, drawing tool) compatible with other major office suites. The Document Foundation is coordinating development and... Read more
calibre 2.4 - Complete e-library managem...
Calibre is a complete e-book library manager. Organize your collection, convert your books to multiple formats, and sync with all of your devices. Let Calibre be your multi-tasking digital... Read more
Default Folder X 4.6.9b1 - Enhances Open...
Default Folder X attaches a toolbar to the right side of the Open and Save dialogs in any OS X-native application. The toolbar gives you fast access to various folders and commands. You just click... Read more
Beamer 2.0.4 - Stream any movie file fro...
Beamer streams to your Apple TV.... Plays any movie file - Just like the popular desktop movie players, Beamer accepts all common formats, codecs and resolutions. AVI, MKV, MOV, MP4, WMV, FLV. To... Read more

Latest Forum Discussions

See All

apeFilter (Music)
apeFilter 1.0 Device: iOS Universal Category: Music Price: $6.99, Version: 1.0 (iTunes) Description: | Read more »
Shred It! Review
Shred It! Review By Jennifer Allen on September 30th, 2014 Our Rating: :: GORGEOUS BUT BASICUniversal App - Designed for iPhone and iPad It might look lovely, but Shred It! is a pretty shallow endless runner/snowboarding game.   | Read more »
It Came From Canada: Angry Birds: Transf...
Anyone afraid that throwing Transformers into the Angry Birds mix would result in a Michael Bay-level of childhood pillaging can rest easy. While Rovio’s famous fowls may be a 21st century staple, Angry Birds: Transformers wears its affection for... | Read more »
Galaxy Trucker Review
Galaxy Trucker Review By Rob Thomas on September 30th, 2014 Our Rating: :: IN FOR THE LONG HAULiPad Only App - Designed for the iPad We got a great big convoy, rockin’ through the night… the endless night of outer space, that is.... | Read more »
Moon and Sun – children’s book Review
Moon and Sun – children’s book Review By Amy Solomon on September 30th, 2014 Our Rating: Moon and Sun is a fable-like children’s book with lush illustrations.   Developer: Marcio Monteiro Price: $3.99 Version: 1.0 App Reviewed on... | Read more »
Kairosoft Finally Brings The Pyraplex to...
Kairosoft Finally Brings The Pyraplex to iOS Posted by Jessica Fisher on September 30th, 2014 [ permalink ] Universal App - Designed for iPhone and iPad | Read more »
Yeti’s Parole Officer Review
Yeti’s Parole Officer Review By Jennifer Allen on September 30th, 2014 Our Rating: Universal App - Designed for iPhone and iPad Yeti’s Parole Officer proves that looks aren’t everything in this entertaining, if plain, piece of... | Read more »
Record Keeper and World Wide Words – Two...
Record Keeper and World Wide Words – Two New Final Fantasy Games Arrive on iOS in Japan Posted by Ellis Spice on September 30th, 2014 [ permalink ] | Read more »
iPollute Review
iPollute Review By Nadia Oxford on September 30th, 2014 Our Rating: :: iPOLLUTE, uPOLLUTEUniversal App - Designed for iPhone and iPad iPollute is a delightful-looking pollution simulator, though it’s a bit light on “game” content... | Read more »
This Week at 148Apps: September 22-26, 2...
Your Source For The Latest App Reviews   | Read more »

Price Scanner via MacPrices.net

MacBook Airs on sale for $100 off MSRP, start...
Best Buy has the new 2014 MacBook Airs on sale for $100 off MSRP on their online store. Choose free home shipping or free local store pickup (if available). Prices valid for online orders only, in-... Read more
Apple Releases OS X Mavericks bash Update 1.0...
Apple has released a patch update for OS X Mavericks users to address the recently-detected “Shellshock” security bug in BSD UNIX’s bash shell. Apple says only a few Mac users who had manually... Read more
Pivotal Payments Ready for Apple Pay – FlexPo...
Pivotal Payments, a provider of merchant services and global payment processing solutions, has announced its proprietary FlexPoint platform will support credit and debit transactions through Apple’s... Read more
iStabilizer Announces Tabarm — First Friction...
iStabilizer, a specialist in universal lightweight compact tripods, steady cams, dollies, mounts, and remotes for smartphones, tablets, and cameras, announced today the iStabilizer tabArm, the first... Read more
IStabilizer Flex Smartphone Tripod Wins Usa T...
iStabilizer, a specialist in universal lightweight compact tripods, steady cams, and other products for smartphones, tablets, and cameras, has announced today that its iStabilizer Flex smartphone... Read more
13-inch 2.8GHz Retina MacBook Pro on sale for...
B&H Photo has the new 2014 13″ 2.8GHz Retina MacBook Pro on sale for $1699.99 including free shipping plus NY sales tax only. They’ll also include free copies of Parallels Desktop and LoJack for... Read more
15-inch Retina MacBook Pros on sale for up to...
B&H Photo has the new 2014 15″ Retina MacBook Pros on sale for up to $150 off MSRP. Shipping is free, and B&H charges NY sales tax only. They’ll also include free copies of Parallels Desktop... Read more
Get Down to Business On Your iPad With Free N...
Utah based Poem LLC has introduced Nexticy 1.0, a full-featured, affordable (Free) forms application for iPad. Nexticy makes it ‘way easy’ to create, store, retrieve and analyze paper-like forms of... Read more
13-inch Retina MacBook Pros on sale for $100...
Best Buy has 13-inch 2.6GHz Retina MacBook Pros on sale for $100 off MSRP on their online store. Choose free shipping or free local store pickup (if available). Prices are for online orders only, in-... Read more
Reports Outline Claimed 12-Inch Macbook Air D...
Blogger Jack March says that according to information he’s received from an anonymous “source familiar with Apple’s plans,” the next-generation MacBook Air will launch in mid-2015 and be available... Read more

Jobs Board

*Apple* Retail - Multiple Positions (US) - A...
Sales Specialist - Retail Customer Service and Sales Transform Apple Store visitors into loyal Apple customers. When customers enter the store, you're also the Read more
*Apple* Retail - Multiple Positions (US) - A...
Job Description: Sales Specialist - Retail Customer Service and Sales Transform Apple Store visitors into loyal Apple customers. When customers enter the store, Read more
Senior Event Manager, *Apple* Retail Market...
…This senior level position is responsible for leading and imagining the Apple Retail Team's global event strategy. Delivering an overarching brand story; in-store, Read more
*Apple* Solutions Consultant (ASC) - Apple (...
**Job Summary** The ASC is an Apple employee who serves as an Apple brand ambassador and influencer in a Reseller's store. The ASC's role is to grow Apple Read more
Project Manager / Business Analyst, WW *Appl...
…a senior project manager / business analyst to work within our Worldwide Apple Fulfillment Operations and the Business Process Re-engineering team. This role will work Read more
All contents are Copyright 1984-2011 by Xplain Corporation. All rights reserved. Theme designed by Icreon.