TweetFollow Us on Twitter

December 93 - VIEW FROM THE LEDGE

VIEW FROM THE LEDGE

TAO JONES

[IMAGE 122-123_View_From_Ledge_1.GIF]

Dear Tao,

I'm nearing the end of my rope and have become desperate enough that I figure even a letter to you couldn't hurt. Over the last couple of years I've found myself working longer and longer hours. I pointed this out to my boss and she said that there's no way the company could afford to hire more people, and that I was going to have to learn how to "work smarter." Just what the heck is that supposed to mean? P.O.

Dear P.,

In order to work smarter you have to do two things: first figure out who is smarter than you, and then copy their actions and claim them as your own. This is a problem that's easily solved if you look at history.

Unless your name is Stephen Hawking, it's pretty safe to say that Albert Einstein was smarter than you. Let's see how he handled a similar situation.

Early in his career Mr. Einstein was working in a patent office, but he was having trouble keeping up with the ever increasing workload. Upon asking his boss for advice, he too was told to "work smarter." He was also advised that he'd be a little more presentable around the office if he wore a hairnet while he slept.

Very disturbed, he went home and contemplated these words. The story is told that after several hours of soul searching and a couple of Fuzzy Navels he was able to get in touch with his Inner Physicist Self: he quit his job, came up with the General Theory of Relativity, and as a result started a career as a professional smart guy.

Taking the cue from Al, I'd say the answer's simple: quit your job and never go back to anything even remotely related to it. True, it's not likely that you'll win the Nobel Prize for physics, but I'm certain that at the very least you'll find it much easier to balance your checkbook (a task that is quite a bit simpler when you don't have to worry about income).

As for wearing the hairnet, I'd say that's optional. On the off-chance youdobecome famous, you won't look nearly as cool when they make a poster of you if your hair is neat and tidy -- something always worth considering in any situation.

Dear Tao,I keep a pet hamster at work, and the guy across the hall has a rat. We're thinking of getting one of those cages that link together so that our pets can visit each other, but before we do I have a question: would it be possible for them to have babies? I think it'd be really cool and break up the monotony of the day.

Sign me,

Dr. Doverylittle

Dear Doctor,

It sounds like you may have not been paying very close attention to your biology classes for, say, your last ten years of school. The short answer is no, you can't cross-breed rats and hamsters. However, you'll get a brief but downright eye-opening demonstration of what food chains are all about if you decide to take the leap and give your pets a formal social introduction.

Speaking of rodents, it's worth noting that they can be of tremendous help in your company's advertising efforts. Let's say you have a list of possible slogans to use but are unsure which is best. Simply tape all the slogans you're considering on the side of your rodent tank and then watch carefully. The one your little beast walks toward will be the natural winner. Remember, advertising works on the most primitive portions of the brain, so a rat is as good as an ad exec for the task, and you get the added benefit of Purina Rat Chow being quite a bit cheaper than the cost of a two- martini lunch.

Can't even come up with a slogan? No problem. You can use single words just as easily and then string them together. It might take a few trials until you get something that makes sense, but keep at it. I tried this using random words cut out of the newspaper and came up with the ultra-highbrow "Price last, anybody's near Russia." It's got everything you need: concern for the customerandfaux concern for other countries. Even today I'll bet you could sell a few Lisas using that heady doublespeak.

Dear Tao,

I had a conversation with my boss the other day in which he accused me of "gross incompetence" merely because I was personally responsible for the failure of our company's last three products. I could use your advice on how to proceed.

Spud Boy

Dear Spud,

If what you said is true, your boss is right: you are incompetent. Don't let that bother you; competency is only one of several factors related to your job, and in some ways your future has never looked brighter. However, you should take action if you're interested in staying where you are.

The key here is to slyly change your company's employment guidelines. In the 1990s nearly all businesses of any size have a bylaw that says something like, "Sproutbud Software has a policy of equal opportunity hiring and we will not discriminate with regard to an employee's ethnic origin, religious beliefs, age, sex, sexual preference, marital status, or even if they wear brown shoes with a blue suit."

Obviously the phrase that you want added is ". . . will not discriminate with regard to ability," but that's going to be hard to get on the first pass. What you'll need to do is get very militant about something that seems relatively trivial. The next time you have a large meeting, hint that you have reason to believe that your company discriminates against people who like sherbet. Once they deny it (as they undoubtedly will), say "OK, maybe you're right, but I won't be comfortable until our employment guidelines are changed to reflect this." Next, insist there is discrimination against people who like the color magenta; then, those with a penchant for keeping more than a dollar's worth of change in their pockets. Eventually people will get so sick of you that they'll just say "Yeah, whatever! Just fill out whatever you like. Anything to get you to shut up!"

Be careful. Once you have this power you'll feel like flaunting it by saying something like ". . . will not discriminate against people whose last names end in y." It sounds catchy, but it's a sure tip-off to your plans.

RECOMMENDED READING AND LISTENING

  • The Airline Passenger's Guerrilla Handbook by George Albert Brown. Get the lowest airfares and learn how to open that bag of peanuts.
  • Shakespeare's Insults compiled by Wayne F. Hill and Cynthia J. Ottchen. Gives you the weapons you need in case you're ever called a "flinty Tartar."
  • John Lee Hooker, The Ultimate Collection, Rhino Records. It's time to get blue, irrespective of your day-to- day color.

TAO JONES, in a high school English class assignment years ago, was asked to describe his ultimate fantasy. Although the exact details are now forgotten, it had something to do with huge castles, large bicycle tracks, and "The Gong Show." When he discovered that the rest of the class had described things like "a long weekend with Farrah Fawcett," he immediately started working on an all-encompassing philosophy to explain the rest of humanity. It's taken years to perfect, and today this philosophy is commonly referred to as his "bad attitude." *Tao Index: Do not trust those who have their jeans pressed. *

Used chewing gum? Place it here.*

Tao needs questions or he may be forced to do his real day job. Please send your queries regarding the social and political aspects of office survival to AppleLink DEVELOP. If your question is published, he'll reward you with an incredibly cheap, yet heartwarmingly collectible, gift. *

 

Community Search:
MacTech Search:

Software Updates via MacUpdate

Cyberduck 4.7.1 - FTP and SFTP browser....
Cyberduck is a robust FTP/FTP-TLS/SFTP browser for the Mac whose lack of visual clutter and cleverly intuitive features make it easy to use. Support for external editors and system technologies such... Read more
PDFpen 7.2 - Edit and annotate PDFs with...
We're also offering PDFpenPro for 30% off! PDFpen allows users to easily edit PDF's. Add text, images and signatures. Fill out PDF forms. Merge or split PDF documents. Reorder and delete pages. Even... Read more
Skype 7.9.746 - Voice-over-internet phon...
Skype allows you to talk to friends, family and co-workers across the Internet without the inconvenience of long distance telephone charges. Using peer-to-peer data transmission technology, Skype... Read more
Apple GarageBand 10.1 - Complete recordi...
The new GarageBand is a whole music creation studio right inside your Mac -- complete with keyboard, synths, orchestral and percussion instruments, presets for guitar and voice, an entirely... Read more
Duplicate Annihilator 5.7.7 - Find and d...
Duplicate Annihilator takes on the time-consuming task of comparing the images in your iPhoto library using effective algorithms to make sure that no duplicate escapes. Duplicate Annihilator... Read more
OS X Server 4.1.3 - For OS X 10.10 Yosem...
Designed for OS X and iOS devices, OS X Server makes it easy to share files, schedule meetings, synchronize contacts, develop software, host your own website, publish wikis, configure Mac, iPhone,... Read more
Firefox 39.0 - Fast, safe Web browser. (...
Firefox offers a fast, safe Web browsing experience. Browse quickly, securely, and effortlessly. With its industry-leading features, Firefox is the choice of Web development professionals and casual... Read more
pwSafe 4.1 - Secure password management...
pwSafe provides simple and secure password management across devices and computers. pwSafe uses iCloud to keep your password databases backed-up and synced between Macs and iOS devices. It is... Read more
Kodi 15.0.rc1 - Powerful media center to...
Kodi (was XBMC) is an award-winning free and open-source (GPL) software media player and entertainment hub that can be installed on Linux, OS X, Windows, iOS, and Android, featuring a 10-foot user... Read more
Coda 2.5.11 - One-window Web development...
Coda is a powerful Web editor that puts everything in one place. An editor. Terminal. CSS. Files. With Coda 2, we went beyond expectations. With loads of new, much-requested features, a few surprises... Read more

This Week at 148Apps: June 29-July 3, 20...
Into July With 148Apps How do you know what apps are worth your time and money? Just look to the review team at 148Apps. We sort through the chaos and find the apps you're looking for. The ones we love become Editor’s Choice, standing out above the... | Read more »
Sonic Runners Guide
Despite its flaws, Sonic Runners' platforming action is actually quite fun. Though it can be a little more complicated than old-school Sonic games. Here's how to make sure you're up to speed when jumping in. [Read more] | Read more »
Rage of Bahamut is Giving Almost All of...
The App Store isn't what it used to be back in 2012, so it's not unexpected to see some games changing their structures with the times. Now we can add Rage of Bahamut to that list with the recent announcement that the game is severely cutting back... | Read more »
Adventures of Pip (Games)
Adventures of Pip 1.0 Device: iOS iPhone Category: Games Price: $4.99, Version: 1.0 (iTunes) Description: ** ONE WEEK ONLY — 66% OFF! *** “Adventures of Pip is a delightful little platformer full of charm, challenge and impeccable... | Read more »
Divide By Sheep - Tips, Tricks, and Stre...
Who would have thought splitting up sheep could be so involved? Anyone who’s played Divide by Sheep, that’s who! While we’re not about to give you complete solutions to everything (because that’s just cheating), we will happily give you some... | Read more »
NaturalMotion and Zynga Have Started Tea...
An official sequel to 2012's CSR Racing is officially on the way, with Zynga and NaturalMotion releasing a short teaser trailer to get everyone excited. Well, as excited as one can get from a trailer with no gameplay footage, anyway. [Read more] | Read more »
Grab a Friend and Pick up Overkill 3, Be...
Overkill 3 is a pretty enjoyable third-person shooter that was sort of begging for some online multiplayer. Fortunately the begging can stop, because its newest update has added an online co-op mode. [Read more] | Read more »
Scanner Pro's Newest Update Adds Au...
Scanner Pro is one of the most popular document scanning apps on iOS, thanks in no small part to its near-constant updates, I'm sure. Now we're up to update number six, and it adds some pretty handy new features. [Read more] | Read more »
Heroki (Games)
Heroki 1.0 Device: iOS Universal Category: Games Price: $7.99, Version: 1.0 (iTunes) Description: CLEAR THE SKIES FOR A NEW HERO!The peaceful sky village of Levantia is in danger! The dastardly Dr. N. Forchin and his accomplice,... | Read more »
Wars of the Roses (Games)
Wars of the Roses 1.0 Device: iOS Universal Category: Games Price: $4.99, Version: 1.0 (iTunes) Description: | Read more »

Price Scanner via MacPrices.net

Apple refurbished Mac minis available startin...
The Apple Store has Apple Certified Refurbished 2014 Mac minis available starting at $419. Apple’s one-year warranty is included with each mini, and shipping is free: - 1.4GHz Mac mini: $419 $80 off... Read more
College Student Deals: Additional $100 off Ma...
Take an additional $100 off all MacBooks and iMacs at Best Buy Online with their College Students Deals Savings, valid through August 8, 2015. Anyone with a valid .EDU email address can take... Read more
Sky Atlas Star Walk 2 App For iPhone And iPa...
Vito Technology, developer of educational apps for Android and iOS, is for a limited time offering free of charge their Star Walk 2, the next generation of the company’s best-selling stargazing guide... Read more
13-inch 1.6GHz MacBook Air on sale for $849,...
Amazon has the 2015 13″ 1.6GHz/128GB MacBook Air on sale for $849.99 including free shipping. Their price is $150 off MSRP, and it’s the lowest price available for this model. Read more
13-inch 2.5GHz MacBook Pro on sale for $999,...
Adorama has the 13-inch 2.5GHz MacBook Pro on sale for $999 including free shipping plus NY & NJ sales tax only. Their price is $100 off MSRP. Read more
Updated Mac Price Trackers
We’ve updated our Mac Price Trackers with the latest information on prices, bundles, and availability on systems from Apple’s authorized internet/catalog resellers: - 15″ MacBook Pros - 13″ MacBook... Read more
15-inch Retina MacBook Pros on sale for up to...
B&H Photo has new 2015 15″ Retina MacBook Pros on sale for up to $225 off MSRP including free shipping plus NY sales tax only: - 15″ 2.2GHz Retina MacBook Pro: $1819 $180 off - 15″ 2.5GHz Retina... Read more
RamDisk4Mac App Helps Run Your Mac Faster And...
Ever use a RAM disk? If you’ve come to the Mac in the OS X era, likely not. The Classic Mac OS had a RAM disk function built-in, but that was dropped in the conversion to OS X. What is a RAM disk?... Read more
13-inch 1.6GHz MacBook Air on sale for $849,...
Best Buy has the 2015 13″ 1.6GHz/128GB MacBook Air on sale for $849.99 on their online store this weekend. Choose free shipping or free local store pickup (if available). Sale price for online orders... Read more
Apple Refurbished iMacs available for up to $...
The Apple Store has Apple Certified Refurbished iMacs available for up to $380 off the cost of new models. Apple’s one-year warranty is standard, and shipping is free: - 27″ 3.5GHz 5K iMac – $1949 $... Read more

Jobs Board

*Apple* Solutions Consultant - Retail Sales...
**Job Summary** As an Apple Solutions Consultant (ASC) you are the link between our customers and our products. Your role is to drive the Apple business in a retail Read more
Senior Payments Security Manager - *Apple*...
**Job Summary** Apple , Inc. is looking for a highly motivated, innovative and hands-on senior payments security manager to join the Apple Pay security team. You will Read more
Sr. Technical Services Consultant, *Apple*...
**Job Summary** Apple Professional Services (APS) has an opening for a senior technical position that contributes to Apple 's efforts for strategic and transactional Read more
Sr. Payment Program Manager, *Apple* Pay -...
**Job Summary** Apple Pay is an exciting environment and a…devices in a simple, private and secure way. The Apple Pay Team is looking for an experienced Senior Read more
Project Manager - *Apple* Pay Security - Ap...
**Job Summary** The Apple Pay Security team is seeking a highly organized, results-driven Project Manager to drive the development of Apple Pay Security. If you are Read more
All contents are Copyright 1984-2011 by Xplain Corporation. All rights reserved. Theme designed by Icreon.